Noël up here.

So, it's the silly season and I am determined to make the most of Christmas this year. It's always tough for our little family at this time of the year as our big boy loved Christmas. Something that I feel is important is that he died still believing in Santa.That, I think, is special. He was just like his old man who still holds a magical place in his heart for Père Noel. Even his Bro still likes the little traditions like leaving out cookies & milk (or a whisky if I can get away with it). I used to make footprints in flour or icing sugar, and just last year he asked for me to do just that.We're keeping the magic alive.

Something that is really important for us at this time of the year, is sticking together as a family. We may well be divorced but my ex-wife and I make sure that we spend Christmas Eve (and the traditional meal here en France) together, as well as Christmas Day morning for the pressies, and lunch. Then she and our son head off to her family get-together and I head home for some quality time alone. I have scored a selection of Christmas movies, from The Muppets to two versions of A Christmas Carol, so will be well set up for my afternoon and evening. I've been ringing around trying to find a New Zealand leg of lamb for my own Christmas dinner. I phoned five supermarkets this morning with no luck. This is rather strange as there are normally plenty around. No worries: my mate's Beef Wellington will be even better.I shall keep trying or resort to a raclette or fondu: gotta make the most of it before restarting my diet again in the New Year.

So, my bachelor pad tree is up and looking good, presents bought and ready to be wrapped, Vin Chaud simmering, Christmas movies are on the shelf and menu planning is underway. I may well indulge in one of my bottles of Chateâu Margaux.  Let the fun begin.

Paper trails.

I'm slacking a bit at school. This is not good, but I get absolutely overwhelmed by all of the administration and paper trails that we teachers here have to keep. I filled out forms in triplicate today just to use the men's room. Damn inconvenient one might add,especially when I had to get them signed by three independent members of the staff before aforementioned utilisation. This resulted in my most impressive action of the day. 

He ra ano ki tua. There is another day to come.

Meltdown.

I had a meltdown on Wednesday night. At the time I wanted to top myself. This, as you can image, was a horrible experience. Obviously it is not something that I'd like to repeat. The feeling passed reasonably quickly, but not before I had contatced my Sister and posted on Twitter. I now wish that I had done neither, but in their own ways they probably helped me work through the feelings.

Now, however, I am extremely whakama (embarrased) to go back on Twitter. I told myself that I'd take a break, but managed only 12 hours. The little interactions that I have with people on Twitter help me get through my days; manic, lonely, depressed, overcome with grief, happy as...All manner of moods (thank you Bipolar). I appreciate them more than I can say.

As for my Sis, I should never have contacted her. I have no right to make her deal with my problems when she is so far away. So much for me being the big brother and being strong. Sorry Sis, from the bottom of my heart.

So, why did I have these feelings? Well, I've been dealing with my PTSD a lot recently. I am reliving the time spent at the hospital watching our son slowly slip away. I experience this during the day, often at work too, and then have very vivid dreams during the night. I hate to imagine what ex-soldiers have to go through.

The fact that it was la toussaint yesterday didn't help. I thoroughly dislike this day and yet felt absolutely terrible that I had not done anything at our son't grave. I can't bring myself to visit at the moment, but the guilt is a physical ache. I'm even having a wee cry as I write this.

So, all of these thoughts and feelings came together at the same time making me think and feel that enough was enough. I'm tired of all of the problems that define my life. I'm turning 50 next year and find myself making no progress or climbing out of the financial hole that I'm in. I have experienced so many terrible things over the last 10 years, some self-inflicted, and it's time that I got a break. The fact that I have a teaching job through until 31 August 2019 is a godsend. It gets me out and about, helps with routines, enables me to interact with my colleagues and most importantly with the children. I love it (even if I'm shit at planning and keeping up with my paperwork). I am thankful.

I am also thankful to my little Sis as well as so many of you on Twitter who 'came to my rescue'. I remain whakama, but am working through it. Merci.

Mal de tête

I'm finding it really hard at the moment. The job situation is really getting me down, and the bank is knocking at my door. Brittany has always been a tough region in which to find a job, and I am experiencing that right now. The strings to my bow are worthless here. My teaching experience counts for bugger all now that the state are pumping out English teachers who are passing the joke that is the CAER! Run by French people who profess to be masters of the English language; laughable. You should here them speak. I couldn't bloody well understand them. Bastardised English especially for the French. No wonder they are piss poor!

So, I'm feeling decidedly down and pissed off with the world in general. I need a boost and that will come in the form of my sister and her man being here en France. They will be here tonight and I simply can't wait.

Hopefully I'll be able to carry over the energy that her visit will give me and do some serious job hunting (door knocking) next week. Please wish me luck;  I'll need it.

Hot, damn hot.

Wanted.

Bowling a few maidens over.

I'm indulging my love of cricket today. I've plonked myself down on the sofa with a pot of Yorkshire Tea, and am listening to Test Match Special coverage of the England versus India test match. 

It always strikes me as odd listening to cricket in France, even more so while driving. It really is about getting the best of both worlds.

I've had a couple of phone calls this morning that have hit me for six, so haven't managed any TEFL course work. I'll chill out and wait for the lunch and tea breaks; good times to do some study.

Looking forward to a summer of cricket. Bit of a shame that Blowers has retired though. I miss his dulcet tones.

The Boy Who Lived

As anybody who has read my blog knows, if anybody actually does read my blog, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I simply can't get enough. At my age, this probably doesn't seem right, but I've always had somewhat obsessive sci fi/fantasy likings. 

It all started with STAR WARS way back when it first came out in 1977. I remember that day very clearly. We never had money for STAR WARS toys so I lovingly cut out pictures from Mum's Woman's Weekly. The love of this universe hasn't faded one bit.

Then there was Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, and the Belgariad and Mallorean series by David Eddings. Again, I still love these books (and films) and re-read them regularly.

So now it's Harry Potter; The Boy Who Lived. As I said, I just can't get enough. I re-read the books regularly (admittedly not that much since our son died though), and listen to the audio books read by Stephen Fry. I basically have these playing non stop; on the home cinema, on my tablet, on my phone, in the car...

Now this obsession may seem odd for a bloke of my age, but I can honestly say that this universe has kept me sane (arguably). Even more honestly I can say that the audio books have probably saved me from major depressive episodes, and more to the point, saved my life. I have to say that Stephen Fry's voice calms me down no end and he lulls me to sleep every night. Maybe there's something about the fact that he is Bipolar too that helps. I'm almost afraid to stop playing these books. It'd be a major step.

For the moment I'm happy with this obsession. Harry Potter is part of me. Immature some may say. Frankly, I couldn't care less it. It works for me.

A guts full!

I've had a guts full! I'm fucked off with the world! Enough is enough. I've suffered enough.

I've been tipped over the edge after having a car accident this morning on my first day of work delivering papers. A hole in the ground about a metre and a half deep. Road works going on and barriers left open and no cones or markers. It was 5.15am, dark and pissing down & I drove right in to it. My car was balanced on the edge like you see in the movies.

Anyway, I'll find out in a week whether my car is fixable or not. Meanwhile, I can't work. This is a major stress as I already have no money and will have to pay insurance excess etc.

Now, it's not just my car crash that's pissing me off. I have, or have had, so many things to deal with: The sudden death of our 8 year old son from meningitis, a bipolar and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis, a divorce (allbeit amicable), severe financial woes, no luck finding a job, homesickness and now this. Surely I've had my fair share of shit! Gimme a break world. Just once. I can't cope with any more. Please.

Night Owl.

Hello all. It's the middle of the night, and surprise, surprise, I'm wide awake. This is normal these days. I sleep for a couple of hours then spend a couple of hours awake. I've tried everything short of medication, which I will avoid like the plague. I know that using devices doesn't help one get back to sleep, and I always wait for half an hour or so after waking up before picking one up. Then, it's so easy to pop on to social media or read the news. The fact that the Kiwis and Aussies are enjoying their days doesn't make it any easier to put down the gadget. There's always someone available for a quick chat.

Nonetheless, I love the time that I am awake during the night. It's so calm and open to all manner of adventures. Trying hard to not make noise so that the weird downstairs neighbours have no reason to confront me with their weirdness. I'm not sure if they can hear my desk chair squeaking and rolling over the floor. Better safe than sorry.

Now eating during the night is probably a no no, but I'm invariably bloody hungry! It's so easy to snack, but I try as hard as possible not to eat and to respect my diet plan.

A bonus is that it's an ideal time to phone Mum and Dad and catch them during their day, without interupting them waking up in the morning, or watching the The Chase, the news or Coronation Street in the evenings. Always good for a yarn in the middle of the night.

So, it's now 1am and I've been awake for an hour and a half. It remains to be seen what time I'll be able to snatch a few more hours sleep. I'm trying to lull myself back to sleep by listening to my Harry Potter audio books read by Stephen Fry. There's something about his dulcet tones that calms me right down and buoys the spirits.

I have a couple of middle-of-the-night friendly chores that I can do; cleaning the bath and wiping down the kitchen are two of them. Best that I keep busy so as not to overload my poor brain by over-thinking.

So, night night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite...

Delete...

To be honest, I see no point in continuing this blog. I don't get any comments so what's the bloody point. I keep a written diary to record my thoughts and feelings so have all but decided to discontinue writing here. I'll leave it up for a few more days just in-case , then I'm going to take it down. Voila.

MANIA!

I have most definitely been experiencing a manic episode over the last few days. I just can't find enough things to do. I've been waking up between 1 and 3 am every night and even found myself mopping the floor at 3am this morning. 

Now anyone who is bipolar will know that these manic episodes can be bloody good or bloody bad. The worst that has happened to me is excessive spending and excessive drinking, often combined; not good. For a self-confessed materialist, my friends Amazon and eBay quickly turn in to my worst enemies when 'high'. I'm alright now as I'm able to identify and control my mania and avoid online shopping and a fridge full of IPAs.

I've been making lists of things to do, planning my day the night before. I've been finding myself finishing all of my jobs and searching for new things to do. I've started walking again, heading out at about 7am each day. This I am thoroughly enjoying and plan to get in to some serious tramping throughout France once I come in to some dosh.

I've also been working on my TEFL course and am managing a couple of hours a day; pretty bloody good for this old fella.

Mania means a spick and span bachelor pad. The place smells like the local chippie as I've gone all eco and have been cleaning with white vinegar. I even cleaned the oven! A miracle!

I've been telling myself that I'll watch a film, series, rugby or NFL match once I've finished all the jobs on my list, but my mind is going so fast that I can't settle down and follow the storyline.

So long may the mania last. I'm loving it and the alternative sucks big time. I do not want to crash.

Hunchback.

I fractured my scapula two years ago after falling down the stairs. Don't ask. Something strange has happened since though. I find that I favour that shoulder, which I suppose is normal, but favour it at certain times.

Whenever I'm stressed or nervous, the shoulder hunches up as if I'm trying to protect not only it, but myself.

I've always felt lesser than others. My self confidence has dimished over the years; I was at my prime while teaching in New Zealand. Funnily enough I find it difficult to stand square on with people while talking to them, and now my shoulder will automatically hunch up and I need to consciously make an effort to 'un-hunch' it and turn square on to people. I'm working on my self confidence, but don't interact with a helluva lot of people these days (my own choice).

So, un-unhunched and square on; new objectives. Voila.

Alone or lonely...or both?

I suppose that there's a fine line between being lonely and liking your own company more than that of others. From personal experience, it's possible to be lonely even when surrounded by people. For me this has often been the case here in France. Somewhere I've always been lonely without my family and friends from New Zealand, even though being surrounded by a wonderful French family; that of my ex wife. F, my ex, never really grasped the concept that being lonely did not mean not assimilating into the French way of life (that's another story). 

I've been living alone since 2015, and despite going through some really tough patches, often self inflicted, I've really loved being by myself. Somehow it has helped me heal myself. I suppose that I haven't been able to hurt anybody either. I enjoy my own company; a cup of Yorkshire tea, cricket on the radio and/or a good book, or a beer and a game of rugby on the télé, time spent in the kitchen or looking after my houseplants (many of which were killed by my ex when I was last in New Zealand...shhh). It's only now, after 8 years of unbearable pain (it never goes away to be honest), that I'm starting to want to meet people. Outside of my French family I've never had a French mate. The odd cousin who I enjoyed having a beer with, but no soul mate. So, I'm trying to find something, outside of these 4 bachelor pad walls, that will get me out and about and meeting new people. Not a love interest; meeting a new woman is definetely not on the agenda. I'd prefer remaining a hermit.

Voila. That's all.

My dream car. Voila.

TEFL

I've just completed an hour of work on my TEFL course. That's about the limit of my concentration span these days. My poor old brain has been in hibernation for quite a few years now. I attack it in one hour chunks & then listen to some music or potter around the bachelor pad.

This course is quite daunting and I find myself dreading the assignments and tests. I sometimes feel as though I'm not up to it, but know that I need to keep going if for no other reason than my own self-worth. Setting an objective of two, hour long sessions a day is my new approach.

Time to spin some vinyl and do some housework. Domestic God.

Focus.

What with everything that goes on in my head, I find it bloody difficult to concentrate or focus on anything for an extended period of time. I have found it difficult to read since my son died and have only started  over the last half year or so; 8 years after his death. Even now, I can only manage a few pages, or a chapter at the most. I even find it quite difficult to concentrate while watching a film and, shock horror, find watching a rugby match at the limit of my capabilities.

This lack of concentration is proving to be quite a hurdle at the moment as I have taken on an online TEFL course. I'm finding it exceedingly hard to settle in and study. It's been a few years since I've done so, however I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to make much progress.

Similarly, I can't stay in silence. I have to have an audio book playing. Music has only recently been an option; a pleasure that I lost 8 years ago. I rediscovered the pleasure of music due to my vinyl collection.

Needing some form of noise at all times means that I have to have something playing while I study. Obviously audio books are not an option; even my beloved Harry Potter and Belgariad. Thankfully, I discovered Rainy Mood and it's wonderful thunderstorms. It's very relaxing and is helping me to work on my concentration

So as I finish this post, I take up my pencil and open my TEFL course web page accompanied by heavy rain, thunder and lightning. My objective: concentrate for an hour. Wish me luck.

Budget blowout.

I have an addiction. It's probably not a very common one, but an addiction nonetheless. I overspend. I'm addicted to spending. There, I said it. I spend money that I don't have, and regularly get my priorities mixed up. I'll buy a gadget instead of getting a new, much needed bottle of gas for my oven/stove. I'll buy M&Ms instead of putting petrol in my car (that's a lot of M&Ms). I collect shit.

There are two organisations that are, or arguably aren't, my friends when it comes to buying online. Amazon and eBay. Amazon is like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. Books, tech, music, stationery (yes, I have an extensive collection of pens and pencils that I don't really need)...the list goes on. Ebay is a different kettle of fish and a helluva lot more dangerous. Why? Well, you can pay for purchases with PayPal, using money that you don't have. There are no checks and balances stopping one from purchasing 'stuff'. I am just waiting for a refund to my PayPal account, then I'm closing the bloody thing down. I'm proud of myself for having made the decision. Hopefully the refund willarrive soon before I do anymore damage to my bank account.

Money leaves my bank account faster than it enters. If, and when, I do get money, I spend it without thinking about what I'm doing. That, of course, leads to stress when it comes to the end of the month and I have no money for food, petrol or gas. It's not a pleasant feeling.

I have learnt that such overspending is often associated with bipolar disorder. I have Stephen Fry's The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive. Fry shares his some of his spending habits. He is addicted to buying Apple computers and products, invariably when he doesn't really need them and has others at home. Somehow this makes me feel better about my own impulsive buying. Not an excuse; far from it, but a realisation that it is not just me who overspends. I'm probably not explaining myself very well.

I have made a list of things that I can do for free. Petrol is an issue for me, so I can't go far from home; to the beach for instance. However, I can go for walks in the Breton countryside. I can take photos to share. I can blog. I can enjoy my TV and everything that Netflix and Amazon Prime TV have to offer. I can cook, although I've been on a very strict diet since November 2017. The list goes on. No excuses.

So, I check my PayPal account regularly in the hope that my refund has arrived. Then I can close the account and start my frugal lifestyle.

Am now craving M&Ms.

Swamped.

There is a lot of administration and paperwork to do just about anything in France. It is very easy to become totally swamped and find yourself playing catch-up. Filing paperwork as soon as it arrives and programming dates in to a calendar app is the only way that works for me, and I still find myself struggling. I am, however, reminded of a book calle Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong. The system just seems to work.

Moving on; I discovered the other day that Bipolar disorder can make you afraid of the law and police. This really struck a chord with me. It is, bizarrely, me. At times it haunts me. Odd (as my Bro would say). What's the link with administration? Well, when I receive a letter with the above logo, it is, 9 times out of 10, not good news.Tax, speeding ticket, late payments...the list goes on. The problem I have is wih the wording of these letters. They scare the shit out of me. Legal speak gets me every time. I worry, then I worry some more. I feel physically shabby and can think of nothing else.There is also an inordinate amount of stress come tax time (ie: now). I shake when filling in forms and if I have to phone someone my French goes to pieces. I was never like that before.

Regarding the police, they just freak me out. I have this incredible fear of going to prison. I have nightmares about it. Roadside checkpoints by Gendarmes make me freak out. Very unpleasant.

Enough is enough. I'm going to keep on top of my paperwork and work on my fear of the forces d'ordre. Yet another objective and area of personal growth. Ciao.

You can do it!

Despite all of the hardships that I've experienced, I'm still alive. Only now am I starting to find pleasure in life again. The last 8 years have been hell on earth. I lost my son to meningitis, something that totally destroyed our lives and that we will live with for the rest of our lives. I really struggled to cope and still have a cry everyday. I have been hospitalised three times since then, for depression and my then recently diagnosed Bipolar and PTSD. I have been through a, thankfully amicable, divorce from the most beautiful woman in the world. I've been living alone since the beginning of 2015, which hasn't really helped my coping strategies until recently. I have to be honest and say that I made a couple of very serious mistakes during that time. I won't share as I am dreadfully ashamed.

How have I coped? Well, for much of the last 8 years I haven't really. I drank too much which was not good. Thankfully I'm on top of that now. I ate poorly once finding myself alone. Much as I love cooking, it was so much easier to eat ready-made meals and eat junk food. This of course led to weight gain and a poor self-image. I also overspent and therefore found myself in debt; something that I am still battling. I've since discovered that such reckless spending can be attributed to Bipolar disorder. That's not an excuse though. I'll list some of the things that have helped me rebuild my life:

* Focusing 100% on our son. He needs myself and my ex-wife to be on form and enable him to live his life to the fullest. He really is our shining light.

* Healthy eating. A friend in New Zealand recently introduced me to a diet called PH@TT (Putting health at the top). This is a diet for both mind and body, and I have lost over 25 kilograms since November 2017! I have experienced noticable changes in my mood and self-image. I can also see my toes (and everything in between)!

* Audio books.These calm me down and help me let go of the day and fall asleep. I suffer from chronic Peter Pan syndrome and am a huge Harry Potter fan. I listen to Harry Pötter audio books on a regular basis. I love slipping in to the imaginery world. Some people are in to mindfulness or yoga, exercise or religion. I listen to Harry Potter...It works for me.

* Rediscovering music. For much of the last 8 years I was unable to listen to music. I don't know why. Odd. I shouted myself a record player and have started a vinyl collection (within the constraints of my budget). I also use Spotify regularly (the free version incase you're wondering).

* Films and TV series. As I don't get out a lot these days I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime TV. Amazon Prime TV came as a bit of a surprise as I didn't even know about it, but discovered that it came bundled with Prime photos and drive, both of which I use. Now that my concentration is so much better I'm able to immerse myself in a film.

* Reading. This is a work in progress. Just like listening to music, I have been unable to read for much of the last 8 years. Several recommendations from my best mate in New Zealand have helped me out and I now have quite a book list to get through. The bookshelves are full, so Kindle it is.

* Having objectives. These can range from small, daily objectives to long-term ones. Cleaning the bachelor pad is one helluva mission for me, so I take it in small steps and feel bloody good when I've achieved them. Longer term objectives are saving enough money (something which is pretty much impossible at the moment) to get home to New Zealand. I would also really like to get to London for my birthday in October to see the Seattle Seahawks play an NFL game. Both are fairly unachievable at the moment, but dreams are free. Something very exciting is the planned visit of my Sister and Brother and associated partners, to France in August. My son and I will be catching up with them in Nice. Can't wait.

That's pretty much it for the moment. Time to finish this missive. Things are looking up. I still have incredibly difficult moments and ever present grief, but I'm learning to cope. Bit by bit I'm rebuilding my life. Watch this space.

Doing it tough...

Well, today is a bit of a bugger so far. Woke up quite a few times during the night so felt like shit this morning. Had a couple of bouts of extreme sadness and grief for my son; I miss him so much. It's still a physical pain nearly eight years on. Then there's the fear for his brother; my shining light. fear that something will happen to him too, and yet trying not to wrap him in cotton wool. He needs to live his life too. He's a tough and very mature young man. He's been through a lot poor chap. I'm so proud of him and hope that he gets into his first choice school for next year.

So I've been trying to keep myself busy doing housework. It's been a bit of a mission, but I've managed to get quite a lot done. Now it's time to prepare my lessons for tomorrow as I wait for the floor to dry and the nurse to come and change my dressing. Trying to ignore the nasty letter from the taxman.

The day can only get better. Watch this space.

Moving on.

I trained as a Primary School teacher at Waikato University. I thoroughly enjoyed it and absolutely loved my first job at Berkley Intermediate (now Middle school) in Hamilton. I then left on my OE in 1996 and ended up teaching in London as a supply teacher. Much of it I enjoyed, however nowhere near as much as my New Zealand experience. Upon moving to France I found myself teaching English to adults, then Lycée and College with the odd primary school intervention. Besides the primary lessons I absolutely hated my experiences. My love of teaching was gone.

After my son N's death, teaching college kids became extremely hard. So many things triggered sudden and extreme sadness; a pair of glasses, a haircut, a look or expression. The list goes on. I'd often have to fight off tears in the middle of a lesson. I couldn't do it any longer.

After being hospitalised for 6 months in 2014/2015 coping with depression, bipolar and PTSD, I gave up teaching. I have done a few relieving stints which are OK, however I'm not allowed to earn too much while on my invalidity allowance. So, I know give English lessons to Adults, Lycée, College and primary kids. I currently have 8 lessons a week and it keeps the old brain ticking over.

In hindsight, without knowing where my life would lead, I chose the wrong career. It's so hard to retrain at the age of 48 here in France. I doubt that my brain could deal with it anyway. I wish that I'd got in to computer science or something similar.

In the meantime my lessons keep me ticking over. I hope to land some more lessons too.

What a bitter sweet thing hindsight is. 

Ink.

I'm currently checking out Breton/Celtic tattoo designs for my next ink. It won't be for awhile, but it's nice to have an objective. What do you think of these?

I love the Tree of Life. Definetly getting that when I get some dosh, after saving for a trip home to New Zealand and being able to contribute to G's education, guitar and theatre lessons; something the I'm unable to do at the moment.

Today's a new day.

Some more bullet points summing up my day. I've decided to write the majority of my pen & paper diary in this fashion too.

• Good, refreshing drug induced sleep.
• Message to my SiL in Brisbane wishing her a happy 50th.
• Blog post.
• Senseo coffee.
• Waiting for a cheque to clear so that I can get petrol & eat!
• Spotify. Currently The Police.
• No lunch. Buggered if I'm going to eat fish again. Have grown gills and fins.
• Lesson preparation for this afternoon.

To be continued...

Bucket list. A work in progress.

• Ride the Nantes/Brest cycle track (funnily enough, this may require a bike).
• Live in New Zealand again some day, possibly when retired,although I wish to be buried in France with my boy.
• Go to an NFL match hopefully featuring the Seattle Seahawks (match coming up on 14 October this year in London).
• Visit: USA, Canada, Italy, Spain (again), Croatia, all of the Scandanavian countries, Crete, South Africa, & a return trip to Turkey. Extensive tour of Australia.
• Ride in a hot air balloon.
• Skydive.
• Full sleeve tattoo (currently in the planning & financing stage).
• Be financially secure so that I can leave money and assets to my son.
• Own a dog.
• Attend an entire Rugby World Cup from pool matches to quarters, semis and final, not just random matches as in 3 previous RWCs.
• Own my own house. Bit of a pipe dream there.
• Perfect my French.

To be continued &/or edited.

Randomness...

Random stuff to sum up my day so far.

• Awake at 1.30am.
• Medication.
• Cappuccinos.
• Emails, Twitter & Facebook fix.
• Scrabble on Facebook.
• Visit from the nurse. 6 weeks and counting.
• Spinning Vinyl.
• Spotify.
• Cable tidy up.
• PH@TT menu copied for step 3.
• English lesson preparation.
• Text from Mum telling me she'll send her Hot Cross bun recipes.
• Typo on Twitter calling Hot Cross buns bums. Whakama.
• Received STAR WARS figurines. #PeterPanSyndrome
• Received Lighthouse stamp album full of world stamps. Sorting & soaking awaits.
• Messenger chats with my boy.

What will the evening hold?

Update:

• English lesson with hyperactive kids. 
• An hour on the PS3. Note to self: save for a PS4. 
• Hot water bottle. Beware boiling water! 
• Harry Potter audio book. 
• Cocoon. 
• Reading Two Brothers by Ben Elton accompanied by Rainy Mood (for background noise). 
• Cuppa Yorkshire Tea. 

Voila. My day. 

Fatty.

I put on a lot of weight after the death of our son. There were several reasons for that. I was heavily medicated and had been put on Lithium, amongst other medicines, for my bipolar. I'm sure that there is a link between this medication and weight gain. I certainly noticed a rapid change in my weight.

After the initial stages of grief, where I didn't really want to eat anything at all, I did start to eat somewhat in excess. My ex-wife pointed out to me the other day that I did eat a lot of meat. I never really noticed. I was a serial grazer and always had my head in the fridge. It was comfort food no doubt.

I've always been a bloke who enjoys a beer, no doubt a victim of the rugby, racing and beer mentality found in New Zealand. That, however, is not an excuse. Of course after the death of my son I started to drink more. I fucked up on more than one occassion and was not proud of myself. What's more, drinking while on medication was not a good look. I still enjoy a beer however now drink in moderation. I've only had about 10 beers since Christmas; probably one reason for my weight-loss.

When we separated, and later divorced, I found myself living alone. That was when I really started eating poorly. Despite a love of cooking, which disappeared after the death of N, it was so easy to buy prepared meals, pizzas, quiches etc. Not good. My favourite jeans and other clothes no longer fit me. Being on a limited budget it was very difficult to buy new clothes. That invariably saw me wearing clothes that just made me feel like shit. I didn't feel good about myself.

Enough was enough. A friend back home in New Zealand had started a diet called PH@TT (Putting Health at the Top) and was getting simply amazing results. She became my mentor for the diet and I started in November 2017. I admit to stopping over Christmas. There was no way I was going to miss the festive food. I started at 135 kgs. At weigh-in this morning I was down to 110.4 kgs!

However the PH@TT diet is not only for weight loss. It also has a remarkable affect on mental health. You think clearly and are full of energy...I've even started doing housework in the bachelor pad. Hell has frozen over!

I'm supposed to start step 3 of the program this coming Saturday, known as maintenance, however may extend step 2 for another week as I try to get my weight down as close to 100 kgs as possible.

I'm feeling good. Watch this space.

Scorched!

Well, I did a bloody stupid thing. I knocked over a pot of boiling water (don't ask me how) and burnt my foot. Second degree burns. A none too pleasant feeling to go with it. I am feeling decidedly sorry for myself. It's not really possible to walk a helluva lot. I hobble to the little boys' room and into the kitchen to make a cuppa, but the rest of the time is spent lying on the sofa. Feel free to feel sorry for me. I have a nurse coming every day for 3 weeks to change the dressing and have been looked after by my ex-wife. She even bought me some special slippers. 👍

So, I'm making the most of my last days havin Netflix and catching up on the Super Rugby that I recorded over the weekend. And of course I'm spinning some vinyl. I also have a packet of crosswords from my Mum in New Zealand to get through. She regularly sends me a selection of crosswords, code crackers and cartoons from the Northern Advocate.

So there's not a helluva lot of interesting things happening chez moi. Suffering terribly. Man pain.

Bouncing back.

It's strange how rapidly the thoughts and mood of someone with Bipolar can change. Since my last post, when I was down, things have been on the up. This was especially noticeable this afternoon on my way to give an English lesson when I loved looking at the countryside and felt content to live in France (let alone be French). Such stark contrast to a couple of days ago.

These drastic mood swings can be a right pain in the arse. You never know if you're Arthur or Martha and what the reality is. I know that the real me is the bouyant, happy part of me, and yet when I'm down I know that this is part of me too. Thanks Bipolar type 2.

Happy, happy, joy, joy thoughts include being proud of the progress I've made with my diet. I'm bordering on a 20kg weight loss. 15kg more to go. I'm enjoying working again even if it is only part time. It's helping me keep my head above water after 3 years struggling big time with finances, not helped by my spending sprees; blame that on the Bipolar too. I've basically got that under control now, so long may it continue. I'm still borderline but much better off than before...touch wood (don't need to have to buy new tyres or anything).

Loving my vinyl collection. I allow myself 1 new purchase a month. Cheap as if you know where to look. It's always a bit of a gamble as to whether the record is scratched to fuck or not, but so far I've been lucky (touch some more wood). My latest purchase was Aqualung my Jethro Tull. Noice. When I listen to it I always think about passing by Ian Anderson's salmon farm on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. Odd. Reading wise, to be honest my concentration hasn't been the best over the last couple of days but I try hard to read a chapter or two a night. I don't force myself; forcing oneself is not a pleasuable reading experience. I need books that really stimulate my imagination and are exciting or full of suspense. Any suggestions?

Right now it's time to do some lesson planning, cook a dietic dinner (poached chicken and ratatouille), crank up some sounds and then settle back to watch something on Netflix (which I've cancelled in lieu of Canal+ for the Super Rugby from Downunder. I'll subscribe again if finances allow), or an NFL replay on YouTube. Cancelled lesson in the morning so I'm allowed to stay up late!

Ka kite ano.

Dip in form.

This weekend has seen me doing it tough. I've been really down; homesick, fear & unbearable sadness. It's tough and at times you doubt that you'll ever come out the other side, or even if you want to.

I climbed into bed at 4.30pm today. My cocoon. I feel better now, no doubt due to the drugs mixed with a generous dollop of Harry Potter; my saviour.  I've found a 5€ note so should be able to get to work tomorrow, otherwise I'll have to forego work until 5 March due to lack of funds; à horrible situation to be in.

I'm going to watch Midsomer Murders or an NFL match now to try and buoy the spirits.

Tomorrow is a new day. May it please be a good one.

12

I'm hooked. Hooked on the NFL. Totally sucked in. I know that they wear helmets and pads & as a New Zealander & a rugby supporter (ex player), we find that a bit soft. Nonetheless it is a very addictive game once you get your head around the technical side of it. I'm a debutant & have even ordered a 'Football for Dummies' book on Amazon.

I'm a Seattle Seahawks supporter (Go Hawks) probably because I like their fan base. The fans are known as the 12 as they act as the twelth man on the field. Their home ground has the NFL stadium record for noise. So, I'm now one of the 12; even bought the shirt.

Never fear. I remain an All Blacks supporter first and foremost. Nothing will change that. I'm just thoroughly enjoying the NFL.

Chugging along.

Long time, no post. Oops. I'm just chugging along and am actually feeling quite good. I've restarted my Ph@tt diet and am nudging the 20kgs lost mark! Woot! I'm really proud of myself but still have 15kgs to go to reach my objective of getting as close to 100kgs as possible; my 'normal' weight. I highly recommend the program.

I'm also going well with my English lessons and have 7 a week. As I'm not allowed to earn too much while on the invalidity allowance, this is pretty much perfect. What's more, they're keeping the old brain ticking over. I'm even on the verge of being able to save some pingers for another trip 'home' to New Zealand.

The hidden talent as a domestic god seem to be coming to the fore. I managed a three our clean up of the bachelor pad yesterday, and made headway with the neverending French administration.

The above may seem like very little, but each thing is a great achievement for me at this stage of my life. I did have my Bipolar 2 confirmed along with borderline PTSD. Remembering to take my medicine and monitor the beer intake is very important obviously. It's a tad difficult to sit down for an afternoon of six nations rugby without a jar to hand.

So, that's me for the moment. Chugging along. I'll try to come up with a more profound post in the days to come.

Ka kite ano.

One step forward, two steps back.

After selling as much stuff as possible on eBay and Le Bon Coin, I once again find myself with an unexpected, hefty bill. The bloody power bill arrived today, and it's more than 4 times last month's bill! Go figure. I'm very frugal with electricity (heating etc), and consume as little hot water as possible. I've written a letter to my electricity provider to say that I find it extremely unlikely that I have consumed that much electricity. Nearly 300€ fuck it all. 

So, no food for me this month! Pissed off.

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