You can do it!

Despite all of the hardships that I've experienced, I'm still alive. Only now am I starting to find pleasure in life again. The last 8 years have been hell on earth. I lost my son to meningitis, something that totally destroyed our lives and that we will live with for the rest of our lives. I really struggled to cope and still have a cry everyday. I have been hospitalised three times since then, for depression and my then recently diagnosed Bipolar and PTSD. I have been through a, thankfully amicable, divorce from the most beautiful woman in the world. I've been living alone since the beginning of 2015, which hasn't really helped my coping strategies until recently. I have to be honest and say that I made a couple of very serious mistakes during that time. I won't share as I am dreadfully ashamed.

How have I coped? Well, for much of the last 8 years I haven't really. I drank too much which was not good. Thankfully I'm on top of that now. I ate poorly once finding myself alone. Much as I love cooking, it was so much easier to eat ready-made meals and eat junk food. This of course led to weight gain and a poor self-image. I also overspent and therefore found myself in debt; something that I am still battling. I've since discovered that such reckless spending can be attributed to Bipolar disorder. That's not an excuse though. I'll list some of the things that have helped me rebuild my life:

* Focusing 100% on our son. He needs myself and my ex-wife to be on form and enable him to live his life to the fullest. He really is our shining light.

* Healthy eating. A friend in New Zealand recently introduced me to a diet called PH@TT (Putting health at the top). This is a diet for both mind and body, and I have lost over 25 kilograms since November 2017! I have experienced noticable changes in my mood and self-image. I can also see my toes (and everything in between)!

* Audio books.These calm me down and help me let go of the day and fall asleep. I suffer from chronic Peter Pan syndrome and am a huge Harry Potter fan. I listen to Harry Pötter audio books on a regular basis. I love slipping in to the imaginery world. Some people are in to mindfulness or yoga, exercise or religion. I listen to Harry Potter...It works for me.

* Rediscovering music. For much of the last 8 years I was unable to listen to music. I don't know why. Odd. I shouted myself a record player and have started a vinyl collection (within the constraints of my budget). I also use Spotify regularly (the free version incase you're wondering).

* Films and TV series. As I don't get out a lot these days I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime TV. Amazon Prime TV came as a bit of a surprise as I didn't even know about it, but discovered that it came bundled with Prime photos and drive, both of which I use. Now that my concentration is so much better I'm able to immerse myself in a film.

* Reading. This is a work in progress. Just like listening to music, I have been unable to read for much of the last 8 years. Several recommendations from my best mate in New Zealand have helped me out and I now have quite a book list to get through. The bookshelves are full, so Kindle it is.

* Having objectives. These can range from small, daily objectives to long-term ones. Cleaning the bachelor pad is one helluva mission for me, so I take it in small steps and feel bloody good when I've achieved them. Longer term objectives are saving enough money (something which is pretty much impossible at the moment) to get home to New Zealand. I would also really like to get to London for my birthday in October to see the Seattle Seahawks play an NFL game. Both are fairly unachievable at the moment, but dreams are free. Something very exciting is the planned visit of my Sister and Brother and associated partners, to France in August. My son and I will be catching up with them in Nice. Can't wait.

That's pretty much it for the moment. Time to finish this missive. Things are looking up. I still have incredibly difficult moments and ever present grief, but I'm learning to cope. Bit by bit I'm rebuilding my life. Watch this space.

Bouncing back.

It's strange how rapidly the thoughts and mood of someone with Bipolar can change. Since my last post, when I was down, things have been on the up. This was especially noticeable this afternoon on my way to give an English lesson when I loved looking at the countryside and felt content to live in France (let alone be French). Such stark contrast to a couple of days ago.

These drastic mood swings can be a right pain in the arse. You never know if you're Arthur or Martha and what the reality is. I know that the real me is the bouyant, happy part of me, and yet when I'm down I know that this is part of me too. Thanks Bipolar type 2.

Happy, happy, joy, joy thoughts include being proud of the progress I've made with my diet. I'm bordering on a 20kg weight loss. 15kg more to go. I'm enjoying working again even if it is only part time. It's helping me keep my head above water after 3 years struggling big time with finances, not helped by my spending sprees; blame that on the Bipolar too. I've basically got that under control now, so long may it continue. I'm still borderline but much better off than before...touch wood (don't need to have to buy new tyres or anything).

Loving my vinyl collection. I allow myself 1 new purchase a month. Cheap as if you know where to look. It's always a bit of a gamble as to whether the record is scratched to fuck or not, but so far I've been lucky (touch some more wood). My latest purchase was Aqualung my Jethro Tull. Noice. When I listen to it I always think about passing by Ian Anderson's salmon farm on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. Odd. Reading wise, to be honest my concentration hasn't been the best over the last couple of days but I try hard to read a chapter or two a night. I don't force myself; forcing oneself is not a pleasuable reading experience. I need books that really stimulate my imagination and are exciting or full of suspense. Any suggestions?

Right now it's time to do some lesson planning, cook a dietic dinner (poached chicken and ratatouille), crank up some sounds and then settle back to watch something on Netflix (which I've cancelled in lieu of Canal+ for the Super Rugby from Downunder. I'll subscribe again if finances allow), or an NFL replay on YouTube. Cancelled lesson in the morning so I'm allowed to stay up late!

Ka kite ano.

Sounds.

My new found hobby is my vinyl collection. I love the 'real' sound, crackles included, as well as the physical act of turning over the record (or big CDs as my son calls them). They just seem more romantic if I can call them that. With my  Bipolar induced, and totally unreasonable spending sprees, I do need to be careful; so easy to order from eBay or Amazon.

I do have CDs of course and use Spotify Premium, which I love, but my first love is my vinyl collection. 30 odd for the moment.

So it's time to put on The White Album by the Beatles and chill out for awhile before attacking some more French administration.

Word of the day:  Turntable