Full speed ahead.

Despite being dangerous, one of the upsides of being bipolar is the mania. That may sound odd, but as far as I'm concerned it's true. The feeling of invincibility. The absolute joy in everything you do, & the absolute pleasure in doing them.

I've been in a manic phase for about a week now & am buzzing. I've been cooking, cleaning, watching, playing, riding & reading all at a rate of knots & loving every minute of it. Thankfully it's the summer holidays as I'm not sleeping a helluva lot. It's currently 2am & I've only had an hours sleep so far.

There are, of course, the downsides. Coming down from a high can be a right bugger & I need to be very aware of a sudden change in mood. Thankfully my medication seems to be controlling the crashes & they are nowhere as bad as they used to be a couple of years ago. Thankfully the meds don't stop the highs (I imagine that they should). Something that is very dangerous for me is my online spending. When on a high I tend to make use of my good friends Amazon, eBay & PayPal. It's not unknown for me to buy stuff from Amazon & then return them for a refund a couple of days after receiving them. I have heard that Amazon is going to crack down on serial returners; a good thing.

As you may well know, I have chronic Peter Pan syndrome. I'm not sure if a man of my age can be an absolute tragic Harry Potter fan, have a collection of STAR WARS figurines, play Disney Infinity & Harry Potter Lego on Xbox One, & have a framed picture of a Harry Potter Lego figurine on my wall. These things contribute to my spending habit. When on a high I'll get excited about purchasing something; often at night after climbing into bed. The excitement & anticipation is like a drug. It is an addiction after all. The funny thing is that I'll also spend if I ever feel down, my justification being that I think I'll feel better if I just buy that figurine, BluRay or gadget.

Stephen Fry, who is bipolar, put out a film called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. It is well worth watching if you want to learn a little more about Bipolar Disorder & mania. Fry spends too; his weakness Apple computers & goodies. The film is available on YouTube.

So, that's me at the moment. Buzzing & loving it. Voila.

Budget blowout.

I have an addiction. It's probably not a very common one, but an addiction nonetheless. I overspend. I'm addicted to spending. There, I said it. I spend money that I don't have, and regularly get my priorities mixed up. I'll buy a gadget instead of getting a new, much needed bottle of gas for my oven/stove. I'll buy M&Ms instead of putting petrol in my car (that's a lot of M&Ms). I collect shit.

There are two organisations that are, or arguably aren't, my friends when it comes to buying online. Amazon and eBay. Amazon is like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. Books, tech, music, stationery (yes, I have an extensive collection of pens and pencils that I don't really need)...the list goes on. Ebay is a different kettle of fish and a helluva lot more dangerous. Why? Well, you can pay for purchases with PayPal, using money that you don't have. There are no checks and balances stopping one from purchasing 'stuff'. I am just waiting for a refund to my PayPal account, then I'm closing the bloody thing down. I'm proud of myself for having made the decision. Hopefully the refund willarrive soon before I do anymore damage to my bank account.

Money leaves my bank account faster than it enters. If, and when, I do get money, I spend it without thinking about what I'm doing. That, of course, leads to stress when it comes to the end of the month and I have no money for food, petrol or gas. It's not a pleasant feeling.

I have learnt that such overspending is often associated with bipolar disorder. I have Stephen Fry's The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive. Fry shares his some of his spending habits. He is addicted to buying Apple computers and products, invariably when he doesn't really need them and has others at home. Somehow this makes me feel better about my own impulsive buying. Not an excuse; far from it, but a realisation that it is not just me who overspends. I'm probably not explaining myself very well.

I have made a list of things that I can do for free. Petrol is an issue for me, so I can't go far from home; to the beach for instance. However, I can go for walks in the Breton countryside. I can take photos to share. I can blog. I can enjoy my TV and everything that Netflix and Amazon Prime TV have to offer. I can cook, although I've been on a very strict diet since November 2017. The list goes on. No excuses.

So, I check my PayPal account regularly in the hope that my refund has arrived. Then I can close the account and start my frugal lifestyle.

Am now craving M&Ms.

Sounds.

My new found hobby is my vinyl collection. I love the 'real' sound, crackles included, as well as the physical act of turning over the record (or big CDs as my son calls them). They just seem more romantic if I can call them that. With my  Bipolar induced, and totally unreasonable spending sprees, I do need to be careful; so easy to order from eBay or Amazon.

I do have CDs of course and use Spotify Premium, which I love, but my first love is my vinyl collection. 30 odd for the moment.

So it's time to put on The White Album by the Beatles and chill out for awhile before attacking some more French administration.

Word of the day:  Turntable