PTSD.

My PTSD has been rearing its ugly head quite a bit recently. It's pretty much been full on for the last week or so.I'm very susceptible to triggers, whether it be a song, a newspaper article, a place that I drive past or something I see on TV or hear on the radio. For example, I am simply unable to listen to Another One Bites the Dust by Queen, ERA or Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks, all of which were some of my boy's favourite sounds. We played ERA for him in his hospital room. He used to go to sleep to this every night for years.

This is really hard to write about.

I've recently stumbled upon several articles about meningitis. The very appearance of that word is horrible.

These triggers make me think about the night before N was taken to hospital. We didn't know he was sick at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight it's obvious. He was simply incapable of doing his maths homework. I actually got quite angry with him, said something that I will regret for the rest of my days and left the room. I later put him to bed, and as he had always had difficulty getting to sleep, stayed with him for our nightly cuddle. When I got up to leave he said that I could stay and that he'd make more space for me. I didn't stay... I'm balling my eyes out here. Need a break.

Of course I relive these moments constantly. I relive getting the phone call from my wife telling me to come immediately. My first sighting of N in the hospital as his bed was wheeled past us on the way to the ambulance to be transfered to Rennes. His final words and him telling us that it hurt. The hours and hours we spent in his room talking to him, helping to try and get his temperature down, trying to get him to do 'pee pee'. His heart failure and the cries from one of the Doctors for help. Being ushered away from his room and waiting for the inevitable. Haunted. I'm haunted by these day after day, year after year. They simply have not become any easier to deal with, you just get used to them. These memories sit with me always, sometimes more vividly than others. They will be with me until my dying day. They are ruining my life; have ruined my life.

I had so much more to say, but this has been incredibly hard to write.  I'm going to stop now. Incredibly sad. Je t'aime Son. To the moon and back...

Full speed ahead.

Despite being dangerous, one of the upsides of being bipolar is the mania. That may sound odd, but as far as I'm concerned it's true. The feeling of invincibility. The absolute joy in everything you do, & the absolute pleasure in doing them.

I've been in a manic phase for about a week now & am buzzing. I've been cooking, cleaning, watching, playing, riding & reading all at a rate of knots & loving every minute of it. Thankfully it's the summer holidays as I'm not sleeping a helluva lot. It's currently 2am & I've only had an hours sleep so far.

There are, of course, the downsides. Coming down from a high can be a right bugger & I need to be very aware of a sudden change in mood. Thankfully my medication seems to be controlling the crashes & they are nowhere as bad as they used to be a couple of years ago. Thankfully the meds don't stop the highs (I imagine that they should). Something that is very dangerous for me is my online spending. When on a high I tend to make use of my good friends Amazon, eBay & PayPal. It's not unknown for me to buy stuff from Amazon & then return them for a refund a couple of days after receiving them. I have heard that Amazon is going to crack down on serial returners; a good thing.

As you may well know, I have chronic Peter Pan syndrome. I'm not sure if a man of my age can be an absolute tragic Harry Potter fan, have a collection of STAR WARS figurines, play Disney Infinity & Harry Potter Lego on Xbox One, & have a framed picture of a Harry Potter Lego figurine on my wall. These things contribute to my spending habit. When on a high I'll get excited about purchasing something; often at night after climbing into bed. The excitement & anticipation is like a drug. It is an addiction after all. The funny thing is that I'll also spend if I ever feel down, my justification being that I think I'll feel better if I just buy that figurine, BluRay or gadget.

Stephen Fry, who is bipolar, put out a film called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. It is well worth watching if you want to learn a little more about Bipolar Disorder & mania. Fry spends too; his weakness Apple computers & goodies. The film is available on YouTube.

So, that's me at the moment. Buzzing & loving it. Voila.

Meltdown.

I had a meltdown on Wednesday night. At the time I wanted to top myself. This, as you can image, was a horrible experience. Obviously it is not something that I'd like to repeat. The feeling passed reasonably quickly, but not before I had contatced my Sister and posted on Twitter. I now wish that I had done neither, but in their own ways they probably helped me work through the feelings.

Now, however, I am extremely whakama (embarrased) to go back on Twitter. I told myself that I'd take a break, but managed only 12 hours. The little interactions that I have with people on Twitter help me get through my days; manic, lonely, depressed, overcome with grief, happy as...All manner of moods (thank you Bipolar). I appreciate them more than I can say.

As for my Sis, I should never have contacted her. I have no right to make her deal with my problems when she is so far away. So much for me being the big brother and being strong. Sorry Sis, from the bottom of my heart.

So, why did I have these feelings? Well, I've been dealing with my PTSD a lot recently. I am reliving the time spent at the hospital watching our son slowly slip away. I experience this during the day, often at work too, and then have very vivid dreams during the night. I hate to imagine what ex-soldiers have to go through.

The fact that it was la toussaint yesterday didn't help. I thoroughly dislike this day and yet felt absolutely terrible that I had not done anything at our son't grave. I can't bring myself to visit at the moment, but the guilt is a physical ache. I'm even having a wee cry as I write this.

So, all of these thoughts and feelings came together at the same time making me think and feel that enough was enough. I'm tired of all of the problems that define my life. I'm turning 50 next year and find myself making no progress or climbing out of the financial hole that I'm in. I have experienced so many terrible things over the last 10 years, some self-inflicted, and it's time that I got a break. The fact that I have a teaching job through until 31 August 2019 is a godsend. It gets me out and about, helps with routines, enables me to interact with my colleagues and most importantly with the children. I love it (even if I'm shit at planning and keeping up with my paperwork). I am thankful.

I am also thankful to my little Sis as well as so many of you on Twitter who 'came to my rescue'. I remain whakama, but am working through it. Merci.

The Boy Who Lived

As anybody who has read my blog knows, if anybody actually does read my blog, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I simply can't get enough. At my age, this probably doesn't seem right, but I've always had somewhat obsessive sci fi/fantasy likings. 

It all started with STAR WARS way back when it first came out in 1977. I remember that day very clearly. We never had money for STAR WARS toys so I lovingly cut out pictures from Mum's Woman's Weekly. The love of this universe hasn't faded one bit.

Then there was Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, and the Belgariad and Mallorean series by David Eddings. Again, I still love these books (and films) and re-read them regularly.

So now it's Harry Potter; The Boy Who Lived. As I said, I just can't get enough. I re-read the books regularly (admittedly not that much since our son died though), and listen to the audio books read by Stephen Fry. I basically have these playing non stop; on the home cinema, on my tablet, on my phone, in the car...

Now this obsession may seem odd for a bloke of my age, but I can honestly say that this universe has kept me sane (arguably). Even more honestly I can say that the audio books have probably saved me from major depressive episodes, and more to the point, saved my life. I have to say that Stephen Fry's voice calms me down no end and he lulls me to sleep every night. Maybe there's something about the fact that he is Bipolar too that helps. I'm almost afraid to stop playing these books. It'd be a major step.

For the moment I'm happy with this obsession. Harry Potter is part of me. Immature some may say. Frankly, I couldn't care less it. It works for me.

A guts full!

I've had a guts full! I'm fucked off with the world! Enough is enough. I've suffered enough.

I've been tipped over the edge after having a car accident this morning on my first day of work delivering papers. A hole in the ground about a metre and a half deep. Road works going on and barriers left open and no cones or markers. It was 5.15am, dark and pissing down & I drove right in to it. My car was balanced on the edge like you see in the movies.

Anyway, I'll find out in a week whether my car is fixable or not. Meanwhile, I can't work. This is a major stress as I already have no money and will have to pay insurance excess etc.

Now, it's not just my car crash that's pissing me off. I have, or have had, so many things to deal with: The sudden death of our 8 year old son from meningitis, a bipolar and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis, a divorce (allbeit amicable), severe financial woes, no luck finding a job, homesickness and now this. Surely I've had my fair share of shit! Gimme a break world. Just once. I can't cope with any more. Please.

MANIA!

I have most definitely been experiencing a manic episode over the last few days. I just can't find enough things to do. I've been waking up between 1 and 3 am every night and even found myself mopping the floor at 3am this morning. 

Now anyone who is bipolar will know that these manic episodes can be bloody good or bloody bad. The worst that has happened to me is excessive spending and excessive drinking, often combined; not good. For a self-confessed materialist, my friends Amazon and eBay quickly turn in to my worst enemies when 'high'. I'm alright now as I'm able to identify and control my mania and avoid online shopping and a fridge full of IPAs.

I've been making lists of things to do, planning my day the night before. I've been finding myself finishing all of my jobs and searching for new things to do. I've started walking again, heading out at about 7am each day. This I am thoroughly enjoying and plan to get in to some serious tramping throughout France once I come in to some dosh.

I've also been working on my TEFL course and am managing a couple of hours a day; pretty bloody good for this old fella.

Mania means a spick and span bachelor pad. The place smells like the local chippie as I've gone all eco and have been cleaning with white vinegar. I even cleaned the oven! A miracle!

I've been telling myself that I'll watch a film, series, rugby or NFL match once I've finished all the jobs on my list, but my mind is going so fast that I can't settle down and follow the storyline.

So long may the mania last. I'm loving it and the alternative sucks big time. I do not want to crash.

Focus.

What with everything that goes on in my head, I find it bloody difficult to concentrate or focus on anything for an extended period of time. I have found it difficult to read since my son died and have only started  over the last half year or so; 8 years after his death. Even now, I can only manage a few pages, or a chapter at the most. I even find it quite difficult to concentrate while watching a film and, shock horror, find watching a rugby match at the limit of my capabilities.

This lack of concentration is proving to be quite a hurdle at the moment as I have taken on an online TEFL course. I'm finding it exceedingly hard to settle in and study. It's been a few years since I've done so, however I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to make much progress.

Similarly, I can't stay in silence. I have to have an audio book playing. Music has only recently been an option; a pleasure that I lost 8 years ago. I rediscovered the pleasure of music due to my vinyl collection.

Needing some form of noise at all times means that I have to have something playing while I study. Obviously audio books are not an option; even my beloved Harry Potter and Belgariad. Thankfully, I discovered Rainy Mood and it's wonderful thunderstorms. It's very relaxing and is helping me to work on my concentration

So as I finish this post, I take up my pencil and open my TEFL course web page accompanied by heavy rain, thunder and lightning. My objective: concentrate for an hour. Wish me luck.

Budget blowout.

I have an addiction. It's probably not a very common one, but an addiction nonetheless. I overspend. I'm addicted to spending. There, I said it. I spend money that I don't have, and regularly get my priorities mixed up. I'll buy a gadget instead of getting a new, much needed bottle of gas for my oven/stove. I'll buy M&Ms instead of putting petrol in my car (that's a lot of M&Ms). I collect shit.

There are two organisations that are, or arguably aren't, my friends when it comes to buying online. Amazon and eBay. Amazon is like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. Books, tech, music, stationery (yes, I have an extensive collection of pens and pencils that I don't really need)...the list goes on. Ebay is a different kettle of fish and a helluva lot more dangerous. Why? Well, you can pay for purchases with PayPal, using money that you don't have. There are no checks and balances stopping one from purchasing 'stuff'. I am just waiting for a refund to my PayPal account, then I'm closing the bloody thing down. I'm proud of myself for having made the decision. Hopefully the refund willarrive soon before I do anymore damage to my bank account.

Money leaves my bank account faster than it enters. If, and when, I do get money, I spend it without thinking about what I'm doing. That, of course, leads to stress when it comes to the end of the month and I have no money for food, petrol or gas. It's not a pleasant feeling.

I have learnt that such overspending is often associated with bipolar disorder. I have Stephen Fry's The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive. Fry shares his some of his spending habits. He is addicted to buying Apple computers and products, invariably when he doesn't really need them and has others at home. Somehow this makes me feel better about my own impulsive buying. Not an excuse; far from it, but a realisation that it is not just me who overspends. I'm probably not explaining myself very well.

I have made a list of things that I can do for free. Petrol is an issue for me, so I can't go far from home; to the beach for instance. However, I can go for walks in the Breton countryside. I can take photos to share. I can blog. I can enjoy my TV and everything that Netflix and Amazon Prime TV have to offer. I can cook, although I've been on a very strict diet since November 2017. The list goes on. No excuses.

So, I check my PayPal account regularly in the hope that my refund has arrived. Then I can close the account and start my frugal lifestyle.

Am now craving M&Ms.

You can do it!

Despite all of the hardships that I've experienced, I'm still alive. Only now am I starting to find pleasure in life again. The last 8 years have been hell on earth. I lost my son to meningitis, something that totally destroyed our lives and that we will live with for the rest of our lives. I really struggled to cope and still have a cry everyday. I have been hospitalised three times since then, for depression and my then recently diagnosed Bipolar and PTSD. I have been through a, thankfully amicable, divorce from the most beautiful woman in the world. I've been living alone since the beginning of 2015, which hasn't really helped my coping strategies until recently. I have to be honest and say that I made a couple of very serious mistakes during that time. I won't share as I am dreadfully ashamed.

How have I coped? Well, for much of the last 8 years I haven't really. I drank too much which was not good. Thankfully I'm on top of that now. I ate poorly once finding myself alone. Much as I love cooking, it was so much easier to eat ready-made meals and eat junk food. This of course led to weight gain and a poor self-image. I also overspent and therefore found myself in debt; something that I am still battling. I've since discovered that such reckless spending can be attributed to Bipolar disorder. That's not an excuse though. I'll list some of the things that have helped me rebuild my life:

* Focusing 100% on our son. He needs myself and my ex-wife to be on form and enable him to live his life to the fullest. He really is our shining light.

* Healthy eating. A friend in New Zealand recently introduced me to a diet called PH@TT (Putting health at the top). This is a diet for both mind and body, and I have lost over 25 kilograms since November 2017! I have experienced noticable changes in my mood and self-image. I can also see my toes (and everything in between)!

* Audio books.These calm me down and help me let go of the day and fall asleep. I suffer from chronic Peter Pan syndrome and am a huge Harry Potter fan. I listen to Harry Pötter audio books on a regular basis. I love slipping in to the imaginery world. Some people are in to mindfulness or yoga, exercise or religion. I listen to Harry Potter...It works for me.

* Rediscovering music. For much of the last 8 years I was unable to listen to music. I don't know why. Odd. I shouted myself a record player and have started a vinyl collection (within the constraints of my budget). I also use Spotify regularly (the free version incase you're wondering).

* Films and TV series. As I don't get out a lot these days I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime TV. Amazon Prime TV came as a bit of a surprise as I didn't even know about it, but discovered that it came bundled with Prime photos and drive, both of which I use. Now that my concentration is so much better I'm able to immerse myself in a film.

* Reading. This is a work in progress. Just like listening to music, I have been unable to read for much of the last 8 years. Several recommendations from my best mate in New Zealand have helped me out and I now have quite a book list to get through. The bookshelves are full, so Kindle it is.

* Having objectives. These can range from small, daily objectives to long-term ones. Cleaning the bachelor pad is one helluva mission for me, so I take it in small steps and feel bloody good when I've achieved them. Longer term objectives are saving enough money (something which is pretty much impossible at the moment) to get home to New Zealand. I would also really like to get to London for my birthday in October to see the Seattle Seahawks play an NFL game. Both are fairly unachievable at the moment, but dreams are free. Something very exciting is the planned visit of my Sister and Brother and associated partners, to France in August. My son and I will be catching up with them in Nice. Can't wait.

That's pretty much it for the moment. Time to finish this missive. Things are looking up. I still have incredibly difficult moments and ever present grief, but I'm learning to cope. Bit by bit I'm rebuilding my life. Watch this space.

Fatty.

I put on a lot of weight after the death of our son. There were several reasons for that. I was heavily medicated and had been put on Lithium, amongst other medicines, for my bipolar. I'm sure that there is a link between this medication and weight gain. I certainly noticed a rapid change in my weight.

After the initial stages of grief, where I didn't really want to eat anything at all, I did start to eat somewhat in excess. My ex-wife pointed out to me the other day that I did eat a lot of meat. I never really noticed. I was a serial grazer and always had my head in the fridge. It was comfort food no doubt.

I've always been a bloke who enjoys a beer, no doubt a victim of the rugby, racing and beer mentality found in New Zealand. That, however, is not an excuse. Of course after the death of my son I started to drink more. I fucked up on more than one occassion and was not proud of myself. What's more, drinking while on medication was not a good look. I still enjoy a beer however now drink in moderation. I've only had about 10 beers since Christmas; probably one reason for my weight-loss.

When we separated, and later divorced, I found myself living alone. That was when I really started eating poorly. Despite a love of cooking, which disappeared after the death of N, it was so easy to buy prepared meals, pizzas, quiches etc. Not good. My favourite jeans and other clothes no longer fit me. Being on a limited budget it was very difficult to buy new clothes. That invariably saw me wearing clothes that just made me feel like shit. I didn't feel good about myself.

Enough was enough. A friend back home in New Zealand had started a diet called PH@TT (Putting Health at the Top) and was getting simply amazing results. She became my mentor for the diet and I started in November 2017. I admit to stopping over Christmas. There was no way I was going to miss the festive food. I started at 135 kgs. At weigh-in this morning I was down to 110.4 kgs!

However the PH@TT diet is not only for weight loss. It also has a remarkable affect on mental health. You think clearly and are full of energy...I've even started doing housework in the bachelor pad. Hell has frozen over!

I'm supposed to start step 3 of the program this coming Saturday, known as maintenance, however may extend step 2 for another week as I try to get my weight down as close to 100 kgs as possible.

I'm feeling good. Watch this space.

Bouncing back.

It's strange how rapidly the thoughts and mood of someone with Bipolar can change. Since my last post, when I was down, things have been on the up. This was especially noticeable this afternoon on my way to give an English lesson when I loved looking at the countryside and felt content to live in France (let alone be French). Such stark contrast to a couple of days ago.

These drastic mood swings can be a right pain in the arse. You never know if you're Arthur or Martha and what the reality is. I know that the real me is the bouyant, happy part of me, and yet when I'm down I know that this is part of me too. Thanks Bipolar type 2.

Happy, happy, joy, joy thoughts include being proud of the progress I've made with my diet. I'm bordering on a 20kg weight loss. 15kg more to go. I'm enjoying working again even if it is only part time. It's helping me keep my head above water after 3 years struggling big time with finances, not helped by my spending sprees; blame that on the Bipolar too. I've basically got that under control now, so long may it continue. I'm still borderline but much better off than before...touch wood (don't need to have to buy new tyres or anything).

Loving my vinyl collection. I allow myself 1 new purchase a month. Cheap as if you know where to look. It's always a bit of a gamble as to whether the record is scratched to fuck or not, but so far I've been lucky (touch some more wood). My latest purchase was Aqualung my Jethro Tull. Noice. When I listen to it I always think about passing by Ian Anderson's salmon farm on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. Odd. Reading wise, to be honest my concentration hasn't been the best over the last couple of days but I try hard to read a chapter or two a night. I don't force myself; forcing oneself is not a pleasuable reading experience. I need books that really stimulate my imagination and are exciting or full of suspense. Any suggestions?

Right now it's time to do some lesson planning, cook a dietic dinner (poached chicken and ratatouille), crank up some sounds and then settle back to watch something on Netflix (which I've cancelled in lieu of Canal+ for the Super Rugby from Downunder. I'll subscribe again if finances allow), or an NFL replay on YouTube. Cancelled lesson in the morning so I'm allowed to stay up late!

Ka kite ano.

Dip in form.

This weekend has seen me doing it tough. I've been really down; homesick, fear & unbearable sadness. It's tough and at times you doubt that you'll ever come out the other side, or even if you want to.

I climbed into bed at 4.30pm today. My cocoon. I feel better now, no doubt due to the drugs mixed with a generous dollop of Harry Potter; my saviour.  I've found a 5€ note so should be able to get to work tomorrow, otherwise I'll have to forego work until 5 March due to lack of funds; à horrible situation to be in.

I'm going to watch Midsomer Murders or an NFL match now to try and buoy the spirits.

Tomorrow is a new day. May it please be a good one.

Chugging along.

Long time, no post. Oops. I'm just chugging along and am actually feeling quite good. I've restarted my Ph@tt diet and am nudging the 20kgs lost mark! Woot! I'm really proud of myself but still have 15kgs to go to reach my objective of getting as close to 100kgs as possible; my 'normal' weight. I highly recommend the program.

I'm also going well with my English lessons and have 7 a week. As I'm not allowed to earn too much while on the invalidity allowance, this is pretty much perfect. What's more, they're keeping the old brain ticking over. I'm even on the verge of being able to save some pingers for another trip 'home' to New Zealand.

The hidden talent as a domestic god seem to be coming to the fore. I managed a three our clean up of the bachelor pad yesterday, and made headway with the neverending French administration.

The above may seem like very little, but each thing is a great achievement for me at this stage of my life. I did have my Bipolar 2 confirmed along with borderline PTSD. Remembering to take my medicine and monitor the beer intake is very important obviously. It's a tad difficult to sit down for an afternoon of six nations rugby without a jar to hand.

So, that's me for the moment. Chugging along. I'll try to come up with a more profound post in the days to come.

Ka kite ano.

Sounds.

My new found hobby is my vinyl collection. I love the 'real' sound, crackles included, as well as the physical act of turning over the record (or big CDs as my son calls them). They just seem more romantic if I can call them that. With my  Bipolar induced, and totally unreasonable spending sprees, I do need to be careful; so easy to order from eBay or Amazon.

I do have CDs of course and use Spotify Premium, which I love, but my first love is my vinyl collection. 30 odd for the moment.

So it's time to put on The White Album by the Beatles and chill out for awhile before attacking some more French administration.

Word of the day:  Turntable

New beginnings.

Kia ora koutou. Here I am again for another brief visit. Well, no actually. I hope to make this a regular thing. In fact I've promised myself. I'm actually coping quite well at the moment (touch wood), and have even started listening to music again; something that I haven't done since my son died. So, progress is being made. Hopefully the next step will be getting back in to reading; something else that's been on the back burner for 7 and a half years. My Kindle and bookshelves are well stocked waiting for the right moment.

Something that I have discovered is that I always have something to worry about. At the moment it's financial woes. Apparently I'm not alone in being someone with Bipolar who is reckless with money. Well, I have been and now find myself in deep shit, to the point where I might lose my accomodation and find myself out on the streets. No shit! More than a bit scared but hoping that I'm overreacting as I often do.

Other than the above difficulties, all is well. I'm enjoying living by myself and yet seeing my son basically when I want to. Thankfully my ex and I still get on really well. We have lunch together as 'a family' every Sunday and help each other out with odd jobs and the such like.

The big news is that I'm on a diet (called PH@TT) and have lost 13kgs in a little over three weeks. I can now tie my shoelaces without nearly passing out! Another couple of weeks to go to reach my goal.I'm feeling really good physically and, for the most part, mentally (minus the above-mentioned difficulties). Long may it continue.

I have had so many mountains to climb in my life. Some will see me never reaching the summit,  but I'm proud of myself for those that I have been able to surmount. Life is a journey and the realisation that I have past the halfway point of my life is a great motivating factor to, as my ex would say (imagine French accent), PUSH MY BUM!

Voila. That's me for tonight.  I'll be back.

Word of the day: PROACTIVE.

Bonne année

Bonne année à ma famille et à mes amis.  Happy New Year to my family and friends. It was a quiet night for me, but this old bugger did manage to stay awake until 2am!

I've decided to try and resurrect this blog and see if I can keep it going throughout the year.  I'll write about anything and everything; my battle with depression and bipolar, my attempt at staying on the wagon for the entire year (that's going to be a tough one but I'm determined to give it a crack), life in France, grief and the love of my son and ex-wife, tech and gadgets, my stamp collection and general bachelor life.  To be honest, I'm quite enjoying being on my own and have absolutely no intention of searching for a new partner.  I'm enjoying life in my bachelor pad especially as my cat is not here marking his territory (he's in for the chop as soon  as I can raise the cash).

Job hunting will be my main occupation at the beginning of the year.  Enough is enough. I need to work.  I've been on sick leave for over 2 years now.  Serious cash flow problems which need to be remedied ASAP.

So, I've made a resolution to keep this blog running. Watch this space.

Searching.

Well, I'm still job hunting. I even got turned down by McDonalds; obviously too old. I do prefer KFC though. It's becoming a real problem and I just today received a letter threatening repossession. Scary!

With regard to job hunting, I'm at a little bit of a loss as to where to turn now. Taking a leaf out of my cousin's book, I sent CVs to Avis and Hertz in the hope that they require English speakers (Bilingual). I also posted one off to Navix which is the cruise boat company offeriing tours of the Gulf de Morbihan. It's not really the right season however it's worth a crack.

I seem to be on top of my depression and Bipolar which is a major positive. I'm finding myself with a lot more energy & capable of getting a crack on doing as many administrative jobs, housework (heaven forbid. It is a bachelor pad after all) and job hunting. I also have a good relationship with my ex wife and see her and my son several times a week. I couldn't ask for more. Our 'family' Sunday lunches are very enjoyable.

I just need a job so that I can begin paying of my debts. Once they've gone life will be so much better; stress free and enabling me to make even more progress dealing with my mental health.

Anyway, time to 'push my bum' as my ex would say and get on and do some jobs. Hell, I hate saying 'ex'. I'll call her F from now on in.

Cheers.

Ups & Downs.

One of the extremely difficult things about being Bipolar are the mood swings.  Despite the fact that I have made great progress since being off work, I still suffer from these extreme ups and downs.  Yesterday afternoon for example, I was really down.  Not just a case of the blues, but plumbing the depths.  Reliving every moment of our son's death, seeing no solution to our financial woes, missing New Zealand, the fact that I will soon need to find a new job, being depressed simply by the fact that you're depressed, the list goes on.  Sure, you say, everyone has their ups and downs, but believe me, a Bipolar "down" really does suck all the life out of you.  When I'm like that, I'm only one step away from needing to be on suicide watch.  I'd never top myself though, because I could never do that to my son. He has suffered enough in his 10 years on this earth.

These down moments are crippling with no end in sight.  Last night I forced myself to eat, couldn't bring myself to watch TV and went to bed early absolutely emotionally drained. This morning I woke up full of the joys of life; enjoyed my breakfast, wanting to cook up a storm for lunch, laughing and joking with my wife and son and even going so far as to sit myself down in front of my laptop and write this.  Life looks good today and I'm no doubt experiencing some mania.  I love these moments of mania (it's the crashes that suck the life out of you).  The world is my oyster despite being so skint my travelling days are over for the time being.  I feel like sanding down the plastering I did the other day and starting on another section of wall, finishing up and cooking lunch, potting up some house plants, spending time with my son (even if it's just watching Spiderman together), sorting out my paperwork, putting stuff on eBay to sell...

You need to try and harness the mania though otherwise it can get out of control and any crash that follows can be a very hard fall indeed.

Voila.  A small insight in to the way I live these days.  For the moment life is good, full of opportunities, delights and wonders.  Please let it continue.

(Shake, Skake, Shake) Shake your Booty

Today's post is brought to you by the word shake.

shake  (shāk)v. shook (sho͝ok), shak·en (shā′kən), shak·ing, shakesv.tr.

1. To cause to move to and fro with jerky movements.

2. To cause to quiver, tremble, vibrate, or rock.

3. To cause to lose stability or waver: a crisis that shook my deepest beliefs 4. To remove or dislodge by jerky movements: shook the dust from the cushions.

Why?  Well, as part of my treatment for Bipolar, I have been taking Lithium for about 6 weeks now.  I can certainly feel a change in temperament and long may it continue. I'd even appreciate even more of a boost but perhaps that will take time.  It's not just the medicine which will help me feel better and I need to keep that in mind at all times. Exercise, healthy eating and keeping myself busy all play a part. I also hope to start meditating to help me through the difficult moments and to help me sleep; something that I've only been able to do with sleeping pills since our son died.  I stopped the sleeping pills last week and am finding it hard to drift off at night.  Regardless, things are slowly starting to improve but gently does it.

However, one of the side effects of the Lithium, for me anyway, is the fact that I get the shakes, particularly in my hands. It's so bad that I can't write (impossible to address an envelope the other day), eat soup, type or use a tablet, use the magic remote control on our SMART TV or even shave.  In fact shaving involves me taking my life in to my own hands.  I have grown somewhat attached to my nose and lips and hope to keep them for some time yet.

I've checked out the internet and I am certainly not alone in having these rather violent tremors.  I've been searching for a miracle cure.  OK, cutting down on coffee is fairly obvious, but I do like my café in the morning.  However, I did read about several people, who also suffer form the shakes, taking Vitamin B6 in rather high doses and basically eliminating the problem.  So, today I'm off to the local pharmacie to ask them their opinion (having been told by my psychiatrist that there is nothing much she can do about my shakes).  Hopefully, I'll come home with something.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not really complaining.  I'd much rather experience the positives of Lithium than the negatives.  It just make me so aware of how much we rely upon doing such small, everyday jobs with a steady hand