You can do it!

Despite all of the hardships that I've experienced, I'm still alive. Only now am I starting to find pleasure in life again. The last 8 years have been hell on earth. I lost my son to meningitis, something that totally destroyed our lives and that we will live with for the rest of our lives. I really struggled to cope and still have a cry everyday. I have been hospitalised three times since then, for depression and my then recently diagnosed Bipolar and PTSD. I have been through a, thankfully amicable, divorce from the most beautiful woman in the world. I've been living alone since the beginning of 2015, which hasn't really helped my coping strategies until recently. I have to be honest and say that I made a couple of very serious mistakes during that time. I won't share as I am dreadfully ashamed.

How have I coped? Well, for much of the last 8 years I haven't really. I drank too much which was not good. Thankfully I'm on top of that now. I ate poorly once finding myself alone. Much as I love cooking, it was so much easier to eat ready-made meals and eat junk food. This of course led to weight gain and a poor self-image. I also overspent and therefore found myself in debt; something that I am still battling. I've since discovered that such reckless spending can be attributed to Bipolar disorder. That's not an excuse though. I'll list some of the things that have helped me rebuild my life:

* Focusing 100% on our son. He needs myself and my ex-wife to be on form and enable him to live his life to the fullest. He really is our shining light.

* Healthy eating. A friend in New Zealand recently introduced me to a diet called PH@TT (Putting health at the top). This is a diet for both mind and body, and I have lost over 25 kilograms since November 2017! I have experienced noticable changes in my mood and self-image. I can also see my toes (and everything in between)!

* Audio books.These calm me down and help me let go of the day and fall asleep. I suffer from chronic Peter Pan syndrome and am a huge Harry Potter fan. I listen to Harry Pötter audio books on a regular basis. I love slipping in to the imaginery world. Some people are in to mindfulness or yoga, exercise or religion. I listen to Harry Potter...It works for me.

* Rediscovering music. For much of the last 8 years I was unable to listen to music. I don't know why. Odd. I shouted myself a record player and have started a vinyl collection (within the constraints of my budget). I also use Spotify regularly (the free version incase you're wondering).

* Films and TV series. As I don't get out a lot these days I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime TV. Amazon Prime TV came as a bit of a surprise as I didn't even know about it, but discovered that it came bundled with Prime photos and drive, both of which I use. Now that my concentration is so much better I'm able to immerse myself in a film.

* Reading. This is a work in progress. Just like listening to music, I have been unable to read for much of the last 8 years. Several recommendations from my best mate in New Zealand have helped me out and I now have quite a book list to get through. The bookshelves are full, so Kindle it is.

* Having objectives. These can range from small, daily objectives to long-term ones. Cleaning the bachelor pad is one helluva mission for me, so I take it in small steps and feel bloody good when I've achieved them. Longer term objectives are saving enough money (something which is pretty much impossible at the moment) to get home to New Zealand. I would also really like to get to London for my birthday in October to see the Seattle Seahawks play an NFL game. Both are fairly unachievable at the moment, but dreams are free. Something very exciting is the planned visit of my Sister and Brother and associated partners, to France in August. My son and I will be catching up with them in Nice. Can't wait.

That's pretty much it for the moment. Time to finish this missive. Things are looking up. I still have incredibly difficult moments and ever present grief, but I'm learning to cope. Bit by bit I'm rebuilding my life. Watch this space.

Fatty.

I put on a lot of weight after the death of our son. There were several reasons for that. I was heavily medicated and had been put on Lithium, amongst other medicines, for my bipolar. I'm sure that there is a link between this medication and weight gain. I certainly noticed a rapid change in my weight.

After the initial stages of grief, where I didn't really want to eat anything at all, I did start to eat somewhat in excess. My ex-wife pointed out to me the other day that I did eat a lot of meat. I never really noticed. I was a serial grazer and always had my head in the fridge. It was comfort food no doubt.

I've always been a bloke who enjoys a beer, no doubt a victim of the rugby, racing and beer mentality found in New Zealand. That, however, is not an excuse. Of course after the death of my son I started to drink more. I fucked up on more than one occassion and was not proud of myself. What's more, drinking while on medication was not a good look. I still enjoy a beer however now drink in moderation. I've only had about 10 beers since Christmas; probably one reason for my weight-loss.

When we separated, and later divorced, I found myself living alone. That was when I really started eating poorly. Despite a love of cooking, which disappeared after the death of N, it was so easy to buy prepared meals, pizzas, quiches etc. Not good. My favourite jeans and other clothes no longer fit me. Being on a limited budget it was very difficult to buy new clothes. That invariably saw me wearing clothes that just made me feel like shit. I didn't feel good about myself.

Enough was enough. A friend back home in New Zealand had started a diet called PH@TT (Putting Health at the Top) and was getting simply amazing results. She became my mentor for the diet and I started in November 2017. I admit to stopping over Christmas. There was no way I was going to miss the festive food. I started at 135 kgs. At weigh-in this morning I was down to 110.4 kgs!

However the PH@TT diet is not only for weight loss. It also has a remarkable affect on mental health. You think clearly and are full of energy...I've even started doing housework in the bachelor pad. Hell has frozen over!

I'm supposed to start step 3 of the program this coming Saturday, known as maintenance, however may extend step 2 for another week as I try to get my weight down as close to 100 kgs as possible.

I'm feeling good. Watch this space.