Noël up here.

So, it's the silly season and I am determined to make the most of Christmas this year. It's always tough for our little family at this time of the year as our big boy loved Christmas. Something that I feel is important is that he died still believing in Santa.That, I think, is special. He was just like his old man who still holds a magical place in his heart for Père Noel. Even his Bro still likes the little traditions like leaving out cookies & milk (or a whisky if I can get away with it). I used to make footprints in flour or icing sugar, and just last year he asked for me to do just that.We're keeping the magic alive.

Something that is really important for us at this time of the year, is sticking together as a family. We may well be divorced but my ex-wife and I make sure that we spend Christmas Eve (and the traditional meal here en France) together, as well as Christmas Day morning for the pressies, and lunch. Then she and our son head off to her family get-together and I head home for some quality time alone. I have scored a selection of Christmas movies, from The Muppets to two versions of A Christmas Carol, so will be well set up for my afternoon and evening. I've been ringing around trying to find a New Zealand leg of lamb for my own Christmas dinner. I phoned five supermarkets this morning with no luck. This is rather strange as there are normally plenty around. No worries: my mate's Beef Wellington will be even better.I shall keep trying or resort to a raclette or fondu: gotta make the most of it before restarting my diet again in the New Year.

So, my bachelor pad tree is up and looking good, presents bought and ready to be wrapped, Vin Chaud simmering, Christmas movies are on the shelf and menu planning is underway. I may well indulge in one of my bottles of Chateâu Margaux.  Let the fun begin.

You can do it!

Despite all of the hardships that I've experienced, I'm still alive. Only now am I starting to find pleasure in life again. The last 8 years have been hell on earth. I lost my son to meningitis, something that totally destroyed our lives and that we will live with for the rest of our lives. I really struggled to cope and still have a cry everyday. I have been hospitalised three times since then, for depression and my then recently diagnosed Bipolar and PTSD. I have been through a, thankfully amicable, divorce from the most beautiful woman in the world. I've been living alone since the beginning of 2015, which hasn't really helped my coping strategies until recently. I have to be honest and say that I made a couple of very serious mistakes during that time. I won't share as I am dreadfully ashamed.

How have I coped? Well, for much of the last 8 years I haven't really. I drank too much which was not good. Thankfully I'm on top of that now. I ate poorly once finding myself alone. Much as I love cooking, it was so much easier to eat ready-made meals and eat junk food. This of course led to weight gain and a poor self-image. I also overspent and therefore found myself in debt; something that I am still battling. I've since discovered that such reckless spending can be attributed to Bipolar disorder. That's not an excuse though. I'll list some of the things that have helped me rebuild my life:

* Focusing 100% on our son. He needs myself and my ex-wife to be on form and enable him to live his life to the fullest. He really is our shining light.

* Healthy eating. A friend in New Zealand recently introduced me to a diet called PH@TT (Putting health at the top). This is a diet for both mind and body, and I have lost over 25 kilograms since November 2017! I have experienced noticable changes in my mood and self-image. I can also see my toes (and everything in between)!

* Audio books.These calm me down and help me let go of the day and fall asleep. I suffer from chronic Peter Pan syndrome and am a huge Harry Potter fan. I listen to Harry Pötter audio books on a regular basis. I love slipping in to the imaginery world. Some people are in to mindfulness or yoga, exercise or religion. I listen to Harry Potter...It works for me.

* Rediscovering music. For much of the last 8 years I was unable to listen to music. I don't know why. Odd. I shouted myself a record player and have started a vinyl collection (within the constraints of my budget). I also use Spotify regularly (the free version incase you're wondering).

* Films and TV series. As I don't get out a lot these days I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime TV. Amazon Prime TV came as a bit of a surprise as I didn't even know about it, but discovered that it came bundled with Prime photos and drive, both of which I use. Now that my concentration is so much better I'm able to immerse myself in a film.

* Reading. This is a work in progress. Just like listening to music, I have been unable to read for much of the last 8 years. Several recommendations from my best mate in New Zealand have helped me out and I now have quite a book list to get through. The bookshelves are full, so Kindle it is.

* Having objectives. These can range from small, daily objectives to long-term ones. Cleaning the bachelor pad is one helluva mission for me, so I take it in small steps and feel bloody good when I've achieved them. Longer term objectives are saving enough money (something which is pretty much impossible at the moment) to get home to New Zealand. I would also really like to get to London for my birthday in October to see the Seattle Seahawks play an NFL game. Both are fairly unachievable at the moment, but dreams are free. Something very exciting is the planned visit of my Sister and Brother and associated partners, to France in August. My son and I will be catching up with them in Nice. Can't wait.

That's pretty much it for the moment. Time to finish this missive. Things are looking up. I still have incredibly difficult moments and ever present grief, but I'm learning to cope. Bit by bit I'm rebuilding my life. Watch this space.

Randomness...

Random stuff to sum up my day so far.

• Awake at 1.30am.
• Medication.
• Cappuccinos.
• Emails, Twitter & Facebook fix.
• Scrabble on Facebook.
• Visit from the nurse. 6 weeks and counting.
• Spinning Vinyl.
• Spotify.
• Cable tidy up.
• PH@TT menu copied for step 3.
• English lesson preparation.
• Text from Mum telling me she'll send her Hot Cross bun recipes.
• Typo on Twitter calling Hot Cross buns bums. Whakama.
• Received STAR WARS figurines. #PeterPanSyndrome
• Received Lighthouse stamp album full of world stamps. Sorting & soaking awaits.
• Messenger chats with my boy.

What will the evening hold?

Update:

• English lesson with hyperactive kids. 
• An hour on the PS3. Note to self: save for a PS4. 
• Hot water bottle. Beware boiling water! 
• Harry Potter audio book. 
• Cocoon. 
• Reading Two Brothers by Ben Elton accompanied by Rainy Mood (for background noise). 
• Cuppa Yorkshire Tea. 

Voila. My day. 

Fatty.

I put on a lot of weight after the death of our son. There were several reasons for that. I was heavily medicated and had been put on Lithium, amongst other medicines, for my bipolar. I'm sure that there is a link between this medication and weight gain. I certainly noticed a rapid change in my weight.

After the initial stages of grief, where I didn't really want to eat anything at all, I did start to eat somewhat in excess. My ex-wife pointed out to me the other day that I did eat a lot of meat. I never really noticed. I was a serial grazer and always had my head in the fridge. It was comfort food no doubt.

I've always been a bloke who enjoys a beer, no doubt a victim of the rugby, racing and beer mentality found in New Zealand. That, however, is not an excuse. Of course after the death of my son I started to drink more. I fucked up on more than one occassion and was not proud of myself. What's more, drinking while on medication was not a good look. I still enjoy a beer however now drink in moderation. I've only had about 10 beers since Christmas; probably one reason for my weight-loss.

When we separated, and later divorced, I found myself living alone. That was when I really started eating poorly. Despite a love of cooking, which disappeared after the death of N, it was so easy to buy prepared meals, pizzas, quiches etc. Not good. My favourite jeans and other clothes no longer fit me. Being on a limited budget it was very difficult to buy new clothes. That invariably saw me wearing clothes that just made me feel like shit. I didn't feel good about myself.

Enough was enough. A friend back home in New Zealand had started a diet called PH@TT (Putting Health at the Top) and was getting simply amazing results. She became my mentor for the diet and I started in November 2017. I admit to stopping over Christmas. There was no way I was going to miss the festive food. I started at 135 kgs. At weigh-in this morning I was down to 110.4 kgs!

However the PH@TT diet is not only for weight loss. It also has a remarkable affect on mental health. You think clearly and are full of energy...I've even started doing housework in the bachelor pad. Hell has frozen over!

I'm supposed to start step 3 of the program this coming Saturday, known as maintenance, however may extend step 2 for another week as I try to get my weight down as close to 100 kgs as possible.

I'm feeling good. Watch this space.

Chugging along.

Long time, no post. Oops. I'm just chugging along and am actually feeling quite good. I've restarted my Ph@tt diet and am nudging the 20kgs lost mark! Woot! I'm really proud of myself but still have 15kgs to go to reach my objective of getting as close to 100kgs as possible; my 'normal' weight. I highly recommend the program.

I'm also going well with my English lessons and have 7 a week. As I'm not allowed to earn too much while on the invalidity allowance, this is pretty much perfect. What's more, they're keeping the old brain ticking over. I'm even on the verge of being able to save some pingers for another trip 'home' to New Zealand.

The hidden talent as a domestic god seem to be coming to the fore. I managed a three our clean up of the bachelor pad yesterday, and made headway with the neverending French administration.

The above may seem like very little, but each thing is a great achievement for me at this stage of my life. I did have my Bipolar 2 confirmed along with borderline PTSD. Remembering to take my medicine and monitor the beer intake is very important obviously. It's a tad difficult to sit down for an afternoon of six nations rugby without a jar to hand.

So, that's me for the moment. Chugging along. I'll try to come up with a more profound post in the days to come.

Ka kite ano.