The Boy Who Lived

As anybody who has read my blog knows, if anybody actually does read my blog, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I simply can't get enough. At my age, this probably doesn't seem right, but I've always had somewhat obsessive sci fi/fantasy likings. 

It all started with STAR WARS way back when it first came out in 1977. I remember that day very clearly. We never had money for STAR WARS toys so I lovingly cut out pictures from Mum's Woman's Weekly. The love of this universe hasn't faded one bit.

Then there was Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, and the Belgariad and Mallorean series by David Eddings. Again, I still love these books (and films) and re-read them regularly.

So now it's Harry Potter; The Boy Who Lived. As I said, I just can't get enough. I re-read the books regularly (admittedly not that much since our son died though), and listen to the audio books read by Stephen Fry. I basically have these playing non stop; on the home cinema, on my tablet, on my phone, in the car...

Now this obsession may seem odd for a bloke of my age, but I can honestly say that this universe has kept me sane (arguably). Even more honestly I can say that the audio books have probably saved me from major depressive episodes, and more to the point, saved my life. I have to say that Stephen Fry's voice calms me down no end and he lulls me to sleep every night. Maybe there's something about the fact that he is Bipolar too that helps. I'm almost afraid to stop playing these books. It'd be a major step.

For the moment I'm happy with this obsession. Harry Potter is part of me. Immature some may say. Frankly, I couldn't care less it. It works for me.

Night Owl.

Hello all. It's the middle of the night, and surprise, surprise, I'm wide awake. This is normal these days. I sleep for a couple of hours then spend a couple of hours awake. I've tried everything short of medication, which I will avoid like the plague. I know that using devices doesn't help one get back to sleep, and I always wait for half an hour or so after waking up before picking one up. Then, it's so easy to pop on to social media or read the news. The fact that the Kiwis and Aussies are enjoying their days doesn't make it any easier to put down the gadget. There's always someone available for a quick chat.

Nonetheless, I love the time that I am awake during the night. It's so calm and open to all manner of adventures. Trying hard to not make noise so that the weird downstairs neighbours have no reason to confront me with their weirdness. I'm not sure if they can hear my desk chair squeaking and rolling over the floor. Better safe than sorry.

Now eating during the night is probably a no no, but I'm invariably bloody hungry! It's so easy to snack, but I try as hard as possible not to eat and to respect my diet plan.

A bonus is that it's an ideal time to phone Mum and Dad and catch them during their day, without interupting them waking up in the morning, or watching the The Chase, the news or Coronation Street in the evenings. Always good for a yarn in the middle of the night.

So, it's now 1am and I've been awake for an hour and a half. It remains to be seen what time I'll be able to snatch a few more hours sleep. I'm trying to lull myself back to sleep by listening to my Harry Potter audio books read by Stephen Fry. There's something about his dulcet tones that calms me right down and buoys the spirits.

I have a couple of middle-of-the-night friendly chores that I can do; cleaning the bath and wiping down the kitchen are two of them. Best that I keep busy so as not to overload my poor brain by over-thinking.

So, night night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite...

You can do it!

Despite all of the hardships that I've experienced, I'm still alive. Only now am I starting to find pleasure in life again. The last 8 years have been hell on earth. I lost my son to meningitis, something that totally destroyed our lives and that we will live with for the rest of our lives. I really struggled to cope and still have a cry everyday. I have been hospitalised three times since then, for depression and my then recently diagnosed Bipolar and PTSD. I have been through a, thankfully amicable, divorce from the most beautiful woman in the world. I've been living alone since the beginning of 2015, which hasn't really helped my coping strategies until recently. I have to be honest and say that I made a couple of very serious mistakes during that time. I won't share as I am dreadfully ashamed.

How have I coped? Well, for much of the last 8 years I haven't really. I drank too much which was not good. Thankfully I'm on top of that now. I ate poorly once finding myself alone. Much as I love cooking, it was so much easier to eat ready-made meals and eat junk food. This of course led to weight gain and a poor self-image. I also overspent and therefore found myself in debt; something that I am still battling. I've since discovered that such reckless spending can be attributed to Bipolar disorder. That's not an excuse though. I'll list some of the things that have helped me rebuild my life:

* Focusing 100% on our son. He needs myself and my ex-wife to be on form and enable him to live his life to the fullest. He really is our shining light.

* Healthy eating. A friend in New Zealand recently introduced me to a diet called PH@TT (Putting health at the top). This is a diet for both mind and body, and I have lost over 25 kilograms since November 2017! I have experienced noticable changes in my mood and self-image. I can also see my toes (and everything in between)!

* Audio books.These calm me down and help me let go of the day and fall asleep. I suffer from chronic Peter Pan syndrome and am a huge Harry Potter fan. I listen to Harry Pötter audio books on a regular basis. I love slipping in to the imaginery world. Some people are in to mindfulness or yoga, exercise or religion. I listen to Harry Potter...It works for me.

* Rediscovering music. For much of the last 8 years I was unable to listen to music. I don't know why. Odd. I shouted myself a record player and have started a vinyl collection (within the constraints of my budget). I also use Spotify regularly (the free version incase you're wondering).

* Films and TV series. As I don't get out a lot these days I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime TV. Amazon Prime TV came as a bit of a surprise as I didn't even know about it, but discovered that it came bundled with Prime photos and drive, both of which I use. Now that my concentration is so much better I'm able to immerse myself in a film.

* Reading. This is a work in progress. Just like listening to music, I have been unable to read for much of the last 8 years. Several recommendations from my best mate in New Zealand have helped me out and I now have quite a book list to get through. The bookshelves are full, so Kindle it is.

* Having objectives. These can range from small, daily objectives to long-term ones. Cleaning the bachelor pad is one helluva mission for me, so I take it in small steps and feel bloody good when I've achieved them. Longer term objectives are saving enough money (something which is pretty much impossible at the moment) to get home to New Zealand. I would also really like to get to London for my birthday in October to see the Seattle Seahawks play an NFL game. Both are fairly unachievable at the moment, but dreams are free. Something very exciting is the planned visit of my Sister and Brother and associated partners, to France in August. My son and I will be catching up with them in Nice. Can't wait.

That's pretty much it for the moment. Time to finish this missive. Things are looking up. I still have incredibly difficult moments and ever present grief, but I'm learning to cope. Bit by bit I'm rebuilding my life. Watch this space.

Dip in form.

This weekend has seen me doing it tough. I've been really down; homesick, fear & unbearable sadness. It's tough and at times you doubt that you'll ever come out the other side, or even if you want to.

I climbed into bed at 4.30pm today. My cocoon. I feel better now, no doubt due to the drugs mixed with a generous dollop of Harry Potter; my saviour.  I've found a 5€ note so should be able to get to work tomorrow, otherwise I'll have to forego work until 5 March due to lack of funds; à horrible situation to be in.

I'm going to watch Midsomer Murders or an NFL match now to try and buoy the spirits.

Tomorrow is a new day. May it please be a good one.