Full speed ahead.

Despite being dangerous, one of the upsides of being bipolar is the mania. That may sound odd, but as far as I'm concerned it's true. The feeling of invincibility. The absolute joy in everything you do, & the absolute pleasure in doing them.

I've been in a manic phase for about a week now & am buzzing. I've been cooking, cleaning, watching, playing, riding & reading all at a rate of knots & loving every minute of it. Thankfully it's the summer holidays as I'm not sleeping a helluva lot. It's currently 2am & I've only had an hours sleep so far.

There are, of course, the downsides. Coming down from a high can be a right bugger & I need to be very aware of a sudden change in mood. Thankfully my medication seems to be controlling the crashes & they are nowhere as bad as they used to be a couple of years ago. Thankfully the meds don't stop the highs (I imagine that they should). Something that is very dangerous for me is my online spending. When on a high I tend to make use of my good friends Amazon, eBay & PayPal. It's not unknown for me to buy stuff from Amazon & then return them for a refund a couple of days after receiving them. I have heard that Amazon is going to crack down on serial returners; a good thing.

As you may well know, I have chronic Peter Pan syndrome. I'm not sure if a man of my age can be an absolute tragic Harry Potter fan, have a collection of STAR WARS figurines, play Disney Infinity & Harry Potter Lego on Xbox One, & have a framed picture of a Harry Potter Lego figurine on my wall. These things contribute to my spending habit. When on a high I'll get excited about purchasing something; often at night after climbing into bed. The excitement & anticipation is like a drug. It is an addiction after all. The funny thing is that I'll also spend if I ever feel down, my justification being that I think I'll feel better if I just buy that figurine, BluRay or gadget.

Stephen Fry, who is bipolar, put out a film called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. It is well worth watching if you want to learn a little more about Bipolar Disorder & mania. Fry spends too; his weakness Apple computers & goodies. The film is available on YouTube.

So, that's me at the moment. Buzzing & loving it. Voila.

MANIA!

I have most definitely been experiencing a manic episode over the last few days. I just can't find enough things to do. I've been waking up between 1 and 3 am every night and even found myself mopping the floor at 3am this morning. 

Now anyone who is bipolar will know that these manic episodes can be bloody good or bloody bad. The worst that has happened to me is excessive spending and excessive drinking, often combined; not good. For a self-confessed materialist, my friends Amazon and eBay quickly turn in to my worst enemies when 'high'. I'm alright now as I'm able to identify and control my mania and avoid online shopping and a fridge full of IPAs.

I've been making lists of things to do, planning my day the night before. I've been finding myself finishing all of my jobs and searching for new things to do. I've started walking again, heading out at about 7am each day. This I am thoroughly enjoying and plan to get in to some serious tramping throughout France once I come in to some dosh.

I've also been working on my TEFL course and am managing a couple of hours a day; pretty bloody good for this old fella.

Mania means a spick and span bachelor pad. The place smells like the local chippie as I've gone all eco and have been cleaning with white vinegar. I even cleaned the oven! A miracle!

I've been telling myself that I'll watch a film, series, rugby or NFL match once I've finished all the jobs on my list, but my mind is going so fast that I can't settle down and follow the storyline.

So long may the mania last. I'm loving it and the alternative sucks big time. I do not want to crash.

Ups & Downs.

One of the extremely difficult things about being Bipolar are the mood swings.  Despite the fact that I have made great progress since being off work, I still suffer from these extreme ups and downs.  Yesterday afternoon for example, I was really down.  Not just a case of the blues, but plumbing the depths.  Reliving every moment of our son's death, seeing no solution to our financial woes, missing New Zealand, the fact that I will soon need to find a new job, being depressed simply by the fact that you're depressed, the list goes on.  Sure, you say, everyone has their ups and downs, but believe me, a Bipolar "down" really does suck all the life out of you.  When I'm like that, I'm only one step away from needing to be on suicide watch.  I'd never top myself though, because I could never do that to my son. He has suffered enough in his 10 years on this earth.

These down moments are crippling with no end in sight.  Last night I forced myself to eat, couldn't bring myself to watch TV and went to bed early absolutely emotionally drained. This morning I woke up full of the joys of life; enjoyed my breakfast, wanting to cook up a storm for lunch, laughing and joking with my wife and son and even going so far as to sit myself down in front of my laptop and write this.  Life looks good today and I'm no doubt experiencing some mania.  I love these moments of mania (it's the crashes that suck the life out of you).  The world is my oyster despite being so skint my travelling days are over for the time being.  I feel like sanding down the plastering I did the other day and starting on another section of wall, finishing up and cooking lunch, potting up some house plants, spending time with my son (even if it's just watching Spiderman together), sorting out my paperwork, putting stuff on eBay to sell...

You need to try and harness the mania though otherwise it can get out of control and any crash that follows can be a very hard fall indeed.

Voila.  A small insight in to the way I live these days.  For the moment life is good, full of opportunities, delights and wonders.  Please let it continue.