One of the extremely difficult things about being Bipolar are the mood swings. Despite the fact that I have made great progress since being off work, I still suffer from these extreme ups and downs. Yesterday afternoon for example, I was really down. Not just a case of the blues, but plumbing the depths. Reliving every moment of our son's death, seeing no solution to our financial woes, missing New Zealand, the fact that I will soon need to find a new job, being depressed simply by the fact that you're depressed, the list goes on. Sure, you say, everyone has their ups and downs, but believe me, a Bipolar "down" really does suck all the life out of you. When I'm like that, I'm only one step away from needing to be on suicide watch. I'd never top myself though, because I could never do that to my son. He has suffered enough in his 10 years on this earth.
These down moments are crippling with no end in sight. Last night I forced myself to eat, couldn't bring myself to watch TV and went to bed early absolutely emotionally drained. This morning I woke up full of the joys of life; enjoyed my breakfast, wanting to cook up a storm for lunch, laughing and joking with my wife and son and even going so far as to sit myself down in front of my laptop and write this. Life looks good today and I'm no doubt experiencing some mania. I love these moments of mania (it's the crashes that suck the life out of you). The world is my oyster despite being so skint my travelling days are over for the time being. I feel like sanding down the plastering I did the other day and starting on another section of wall, finishing up and cooking lunch, potting up some house plants, spending time with my son (even if it's just watching Spiderman together), sorting out my paperwork, putting stuff on eBay to sell...
You need to try and harness the mania though otherwise it can get out of control and any crash that follows can be a very hard fall indeed.
Voila. A small insight in to the way I live these days. For the moment life is good, full of opportunities, delights and wonders. Please let it continue.
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