Triggers.

There are so many triggers to things that make me unbearably sad about the death of my son. A song on the radio, a garden, seeing children with similar glasses at the supermarket for example, children from his primary school walking past my apartment, driving or walking past a place where we once walked; any number of things. This happens at least once a day and I have a hardout cry for several minutes.

A few minutes ago I stumbles upon pictures of children who survived Meningitis. They had amputated limbs; sometimes both arms and legs. Seeing them made me think of my son in the hospital. Surgeons operated on his legs in an effort to try and remove the pressure and swelling. We were told that they'd probably have to amputate. I can't imagine our active big boy having to live with that. I know that he would have been very brave though and found a way to get by. Somewhere I'm relieved that he didn't have to though. Do you understand? Of course I wish with all of my heart that he had survived no matter what.

So, trigger number one for the day. Time to take an anti-anxiety pill before it becomes too bad.

Flower Power.

I've got green fingers. I've always loved gardening and growing house plants. Unfortunately, gardening is another activity, along with reading and music, that has fallen by the wayside since the death of my son.I suppose that it may be due to the fact that he and I planted some green beans together about a week or so before he died. He joked that if he planted them upside down they'd grow in New Zealand. Since then I haven't been able to garden and the majority of my houseplants have kicked the bucket.

NZ Greenhood Orchid.

However, it's not all doom and gloom. I have suddenly refound the desire to grow things. Unfortunately I no longer have access to a garden now that I'm living in an apartment. Nonetheless, I'm now taking care of my remaining house plants. I've also decided to get in to growing orchids. I've loved them since we lived in the countyside as I was growing up, and often went to see, with Mum, the native New Zealand orchids growing in the bush.

So, I've sent my Christmas list to Santa asking for an orchid. You gotta start somewhere. Hoping that St Nick comes up with the goods.

I also thought that I'd build, rather than buy, a planter box so that I can start growing a few more indoor plants.

These are all signs that I'm coming right. Fingers crossed.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly....

Well, we're hitting the silly season and I'm determined to try and make this a goodie. I'm lucky that, despite being divorced, my ex and I get on really well (most of the time. Let's not go overboard). We'll be spending Christmas Eve together; the traditional Christmas Dinner here en France. That will probably end in the early hours of Christmas morning. I'll head home, crash and then get up and head around to Madame's for the presents, followed by Christmas dinner...again. Bring on the seafood, foie gras et 'je ne sais pas pour le viande'.

After lunch it's home James for me and Christmas evening spent by myself. I picked up a New Zealand leg of lamb and am going to dine out on that. Not really Christmas fare but a touch of Aotearoa to help buoy the spirits. I'm going to have a movie marathon so if anybody can suggest some good films on Netflix (no dosh to buy DVDs), it would be much appreciated.

Christmas is a tough time of year without our big boy. We're here for his little Bro though and make the whole experience as positive and happy as possible. He deserves nothing less.

I have a nice anecdote about N on one of his last Christmas mornings. He rushed downstairs early in the morning, as kids do, and went to see the presents under the Christmas tree (and Santas footprints in 'snow' leading from the chimney to the tree). He then returned to the door to the stairs and told us that he wanted to wait for his little Bro before attacking the presents. We didn't encourage him to do this; it came from him. He loved his little Bro and was incredibly protective of him. This touched me dearly , and still does. In fact it's brought a wee tear to my eye writing this. It happens at some stage everyday.

So, I am trying my damndest to make this Christmas a positive one. For both of my sons in their different ways, and for my ex-wife who has suffered, and is still suffering just as much as me.

Hard yards.

I'm currently going through a rough patch. It started last night at bedtime and has carried over to today. Everyday I process my grief for my son in different ways. I'll be honest and say that I have a wee cry everyday. Today has been particularly tough. I'm rerunning so many things in my head. Primarily I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I got angry with my son on the night before he was hospitalised. He was having difficulty concentrating on his Maths homework and I said something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. We found out later that lack of concentration is a symtom of meningitis. He was already sick. I apologised later when I tucked him up in bed. He asked me to stay for a cuddle, and I did, but I should've stayed longer. Another regret that I will take to the grave.

I also rerun so many moments from the hospital. N saying hello to his Maman, Papa and brother; his last words. The moment that his heart stopped and the shouts for help from the doctors.

Fuck it. I miss him so much. It is an unbearable pain today. I can't go on living like this.

Sounds.

My new found hobby is my vinyl collection. I love the 'real' sound, crackles included, as well as the physical act of turning over the record (or big CDs as my son calls them). They just seem more romantic if I can call them that. With my  Bipolar induced, and totally unreasonable spending sprees, I do need to be careful; so easy to order from eBay or Amazon.

I do have CDs of course and use Spotify Premium, which I love, but my first love is my vinyl collection. 30 odd for the moment.

So it's time to put on The White Album by the Beatles and chill out for awhile before attacking some more French administration.

Word of the day:  Turntable

Tangata whenua.

My first ever blog, in fact the only other one I've ever had, was called Displaced Kiwi. This is what I am. A New Zealander who has been displaced to France. Against my will? Well,  I wouldn't say that. The things we do for love. Nonetheless I remain a Kiwi at heart. NZ is the country that I love; the most beautiful country in the world and I've visited nearly 30. But, and this is a big but, I now have dual nationality. I am a Frenchman. What's more, I am proud to be French, although I have not yet been able to support le XV de France!

However, I would move 'home' at the drop of a hat if I could, but my son lives here, despite also having New Zealand citizenship, and I would never leave him. It may be a different story once he turns 18 and becomes a majeur. I'd also find it very hard to leave my big boy's grave. It is my link to him and not being able to visit it would hit me hard. So, in France I remain and I am trying so hard to make the most of it. I've been living in France for 17 years and despite listening to NewsTalk ZB everyday, watching Kiwi films, watching the ABs and eating the odd leg of lamb, I remain French while I'm here.

The life of an expat is one that is so hard to define. Only other expats can fully understand. I'm comfortable having dual nationality and count myself lucky. I'm also glad that I ended up living in Brittany. My kind of place.

En plus, Asterix and Obelix come from here. What more could you want?

Word of the day: Cuisine.

New beginnings.

Kia ora koutou. Here I am again for another brief visit. Well, no actually. I hope to make this a regular thing. In fact I've promised myself. I'm actually coping quite well at the moment (touch wood), and have even started listening to music again; something that I haven't done since my son died. So, progress is being made. Hopefully the next step will be getting back in to reading; something else that's been on the back burner for 7 and a half years. My Kindle and bookshelves are well stocked waiting for the right moment.

Something that I have discovered is that I always have something to worry about. At the moment it's financial woes. Apparently I'm not alone in being someone with Bipolar who is reckless with money. Well, I have been and now find myself in deep shit, to the point where I might lose my accomodation and find myself out on the streets. No shit! More than a bit scared but hoping that I'm overreacting as I often do.

Other than the above difficulties, all is well. I'm enjoying living by myself and yet seeing my son basically when I want to. Thankfully my ex and I still get on really well. We have lunch together as 'a family' every Sunday and help each other out with odd jobs and the such like.

The big news is that I'm on a diet (called PH@TT) and have lost 13kgs in a little over three weeks. I can now tie my shoelaces without nearly passing out! Another couple of weeks to go to reach my goal.I'm feeling really good physically and, for the most part, mentally (minus the above-mentioned difficulties). Long may it continue.

I have had so many mountains to climb in my life. Some will see me never reaching the summit,  but I'm proud of myself for those that I have been able to surmount. Life is a journey and the realisation that I have past the halfway point of my life is a great motivating factor to, as my ex would say (imagine French accent), PUSH MY BUM!

Voila. That's me for tonight.  I'll be back.

Word of the day: PROACTIVE.

Objectives

Kia ora koutou.

So much to write about and so little energy at all the right moments. I hope to restart this blog after my old displacedkiwi one. So much to talk about; death of a child, separation, divorce, bipolar, depression & PTSD, homesickness...the list goes on. Sounds depressing huh? Most of that shit is, but I have grown stronger and am slowly getting back on my feet. Some of the pain will never go away; the loss of our big boy for example, but we soldier on.

So I hope to find you here reading my nonsensical shit. Looking forward to it.

Katherine Mansfield

Visited the cemetery where New Zealand author Katherine Mansfield is buried in Avon, near Fountainebleau. Quite a touching moment. Her headstone was written in English too. Nice touch.

Downhearted

I'm flat out job hunting, printing and posting CVs and filling out online job applications. Unfortunately I'm getting absolutely nowhere. Few replies and certainly no positive ones. Brittany is not the best region of France to be in the job market ; bugger all around. It's seriously getting me down, especially as I have 'money issues' and debt collectors knocking at my door 

I have set myself a goal. Keep trying to find a job in Brittany up until the end of January. If nothing crops up I will look into jobs in the UK, trying to avoid London having already lived there for four years.🇬🇧 So if anyone knows how to get into the UK job market please send me some site details or contacts.

In other news, as soon as my invalidity money comes through, Weasley my cat is going in for the unkindest cut of all. Just though you'd like to know. 🐱

Lecture

An appropriate read considering the passing of Carrie Fisher.

Bonne année

Bonne année à ma famille et à mes amis.  Happy New Year to my family and friends. It was a quiet night for me, but this old bugger did manage to stay awake until 2am!

I've decided to try and resurrect this blog and see if I can keep it going throughout the year.  I'll write about anything and everything; my battle with depression and bipolar, my attempt at staying on the wagon for the entire year (that's going to be a tough one but I'm determined to give it a crack), life in France, grief and the love of my son and ex-wife, tech and gadgets, my stamp collection and general bachelor life.  To be honest, I'm quite enjoying being on my own and have absolutely no intention of searching for a new partner.  I'm enjoying life in my bachelor pad especially as my cat is not here marking his territory (he's in for the chop as soon  as I can raise the cash).

Job hunting will be my main occupation at the beginning of the year.  Enough is enough. I need to work.  I've been on sick leave for over 2 years now.  Serious cash flow problems which need to be remedied ASAP.

So, I've made a resolution to keep this blog running. Watch this space.