I'm currently going through a rough patch. It started last night at bedtime and has carried over to today. Everyday I process my grief for my son in different ways. I'll be honest and say that I have a wee cry everyday. Today has been particularly tough. I'm rerunning so many things in my head. Primarily I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I got angry with my son on the night before he was hospitalised. He was having difficulty concentrating on his Maths homework and I said something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. We found out later that lack of concentration is a symtom of meningitis. He was already sick. I apologised later when I tucked him up in bed. He asked me to stay for a cuddle, and I did, but I should've stayed longer. Another regret that I will take to the grave.
I also rerun so many moments from the hospital. N saying hello to his Maman, Papa and brother; his last words. The moment that his heart stopped and the shouts for help from the doctors.
Fuck it. I miss him so much. It is an unbearable pain today. I can't go on living like this.
No comments:
Post a Comment