MANIA!

I have most definitely been experiencing a manic episode over the last few days. I just can't find enough things to do. I've been waking up between 1 and 3 am every night and even found myself mopping the floor at 3am this morning. 

Now anyone who is bipolar will know that these manic episodes can be bloody good or bloody bad. The worst that has happened to me is excessive spending and excessive drinking, often combined; not good. For a self-confessed materialist, my friends Amazon and eBay quickly turn in to my worst enemies when 'high'. I'm alright now as I'm able to identify and control my mania and avoid online shopping and a fridge full of IPAs.

I've been making lists of things to do, planning my day the night before. I've been finding myself finishing all of my jobs and searching for new things to do. I've started walking again, heading out at about 7am each day. This I am thoroughly enjoying and plan to get in to some serious tramping throughout France once I come in to some dosh.

I've also been working on my TEFL course and am managing a couple of hours a day; pretty bloody good for this old fella.

Mania means a spick and span bachelor pad. The place smells like the local chippie as I've gone all eco and have been cleaning with white vinegar. I even cleaned the oven! A miracle!

I've been telling myself that I'll watch a film, series, rugby or NFL match once I've finished all the jobs on my list, but my mind is going so fast that I can't settle down and follow the storyline.

So long may the mania last. I'm loving it and the alternative sucks big time. I do not want to crash.

Hunchback.

I fractured my scapula two years ago after falling down the stairs. Don't ask. Something strange has happened since though. I find that I favour that shoulder, which I suppose is normal, but favour it at certain times.

Whenever I'm stressed or nervous, the shoulder hunches up as if I'm trying to protect not only it, but myself.

I've always felt lesser than others. My self confidence has dimished over the years; I was at my prime while teaching in New Zealand. Funnily enough I find it difficult to stand square on with people while talking to them, and now my shoulder will automatically hunch up and I need to consciously make an effort to 'un-hunch' it and turn square on to people. I'm working on my self confidence, but don't interact with a helluva lot of people these days (my own choice).

So, un-unhunched and square on; new objectives. Voila.

Alone or lonely...or both?

I suppose that there's a fine line between being lonely and liking your own company more than that of others. From personal experience, it's possible to be lonely even when surrounded by people. For me this has often been the case here in France. Somewhere I've always been lonely without my family and friends from New Zealand, even though being surrounded by a wonderful French family; that of my ex wife. F, my ex, never really grasped the concept that being lonely did not mean not assimilating into the French way of life (that's another story). 

I've been living alone since 2015, and despite going through some really tough patches, often self inflicted, I've really loved being by myself. Somehow it has helped me heal myself. I suppose that I haven't been able to hurt anybody either. I enjoy my own company; a cup of Yorkshire tea, cricket on the radio and/or a good book, or a beer and a game of rugby on the télé, time spent in the kitchen or looking after my houseplants (many of which were killed by my ex when I was last in New Zealand...shhh). It's only now, after 8 years of unbearable pain (it never goes away to be honest), that I'm starting to want to meet people. Outside of my French family I've never had a French mate. The odd cousin who I enjoyed having a beer with, but no soul mate. So, I'm trying to find something, outside of these 4 bachelor pad walls, that will get me out and about and meeting new people. Not a love interest; meeting a new woman is definetely not on the agenda. I'd prefer remaining a hermit.

Voila. That's all.

My dream car. Voila.

TEFL

I've just completed an hour of work on my TEFL course. That's about the limit of my concentration span these days. My poor old brain has been in hibernation for quite a few years now. I attack it in one hour chunks & then listen to some music or potter around the bachelor pad.

This course is quite daunting and I find myself dreading the assignments and tests. I sometimes feel as though I'm not up to it, but know that I need to keep going if for no other reason than my own self-worth. Setting an objective of two, hour long sessions a day is my new approach.

Time to spin some vinyl and do some housework. Domestic God.

Focus.

What with everything that goes on in my head, I find it bloody difficult to concentrate or focus on anything for an extended period of time. I have found it difficult to read since my son died and have only started  over the last half year or so; 8 years after his death. Even now, I can only manage a few pages, or a chapter at the most. I even find it quite difficult to concentrate while watching a film and, shock horror, find watching a rugby match at the limit of my capabilities.

This lack of concentration is proving to be quite a hurdle at the moment as I have taken on an online TEFL course. I'm finding it exceedingly hard to settle in and study. It's been a few years since I've done so, however I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to make much progress.

Similarly, I can't stay in silence. I have to have an audio book playing. Music has only recently been an option; a pleasure that I lost 8 years ago. I rediscovered the pleasure of music due to my vinyl collection.

Needing some form of noise at all times means that I have to have something playing while I study. Obviously audio books are not an option; even my beloved Harry Potter and Belgariad. Thankfully, I discovered Rainy Mood and it's wonderful thunderstorms. It's very relaxing and is helping me to work on my concentration

So as I finish this post, I take up my pencil and open my TEFL course web page accompanied by heavy rain, thunder and lightning. My objective: concentrate for an hour. Wish me luck.

Budget blowout.

I have an addiction. It's probably not a very common one, but an addiction nonetheless. I overspend. I'm addicted to spending. There, I said it. I spend money that I don't have, and regularly get my priorities mixed up. I'll buy a gadget instead of getting a new, much needed bottle of gas for my oven/stove. I'll buy M&Ms instead of putting petrol in my car (that's a lot of M&Ms). I collect shit.

There are two organisations that are, or arguably aren't, my friends when it comes to buying online. Amazon and eBay. Amazon is like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. Books, tech, music, stationery (yes, I have an extensive collection of pens and pencils that I don't really need)...the list goes on. Ebay is a different kettle of fish and a helluva lot more dangerous. Why? Well, you can pay for purchases with PayPal, using money that you don't have. There are no checks and balances stopping one from purchasing 'stuff'. I am just waiting for a refund to my PayPal account, then I'm closing the bloody thing down. I'm proud of myself for having made the decision. Hopefully the refund willarrive soon before I do anymore damage to my bank account.

Money leaves my bank account faster than it enters. If, and when, I do get money, I spend it without thinking about what I'm doing. That, of course, leads to stress when it comes to the end of the month and I have no money for food, petrol or gas. It's not a pleasant feeling.

I have learnt that such overspending is often associated with bipolar disorder. I have Stephen Fry's The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive. Fry shares his some of his spending habits. He is addicted to buying Apple computers and products, invariably when he doesn't really need them and has others at home. Somehow this makes me feel better about my own impulsive buying. Not an excuse; far from it, but a realisation that it is not just me who overspends. I'm probably not explaining myself very well.

I have made a list of things that I can do for free. Petrol is an issue for me, so I can't go far from home; to the beach for instance. However, I can go for walks in the Breton countryside. I can take photos to share. I can blog. I can enjoy my TV and everything that Netflix and Amazon Prime TV have to offer. I can cook, although I've been on a very strict diet since November 2017. The list goes on. No excuses.

So, I check my PayPal account regularly in the hope that my refund has arrived. Then I can close the account and start my frugal lifestyle.

Am now craving M&Ms.

Swamped.

There is a lot of administration and paperwork to do just about anything in France. It is very easy to become totally swamped and find yourself playing catch-up. Filing paperwork as soon as it arrives and programming dates in to a calendar app is the only way that works for me, and I still find myself struggling. I am, however, reminded of a book calle Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong. The system just seems to work.

Moving on; I discovered the other day that Bipolar disorder can make you afraid of the law and police. This really struck a chord with me. It is, bizarrely, me. At times it haunts me. Odd (as my Bro would say). What's the link with administration? Well, when I receive a letter with the above logo, it is, 9 times out of 10, not good news.Tax, speeding ticket, late payments...the list goes on. The problem I have is wih the wording of these letters. They scare the shit out of me. Legal speak gets me every time. I worry, then I worry some more. I feel physically shabby and can think of nothing else.There is also an inordinate amount of stress come tax time (ie: now). I shake when filling in forms and if I have to phone someone my French goes to pieces. I was never like that before.

Regarding the police, they just freak me out. I have this incredible fear of going to prison. I have nightmares about it. Roadside checkpoints by Gendarmes make me freak out. Very unpleasant.

Enough is enough. I'm going to keep on top of my paperwork and work on my fear of the forces d'ordre. Yet another objective and area of personal growth. Ciao.

You can do it!

Despite all of the hardships that I've experienced, I'm still alive. Only now am I starting to find pleasure in life again. The last 8 years have been hell on earth. I lost my son to meningitis, something that totally destroyed our lives and that we will live with for the rest of our lives. I really struggled to cope and still have a cry everyday. I have been hospitalised three times since then, for depression and my then recently diagnosed Bipolar and PTSD. I have been through a, thankfully amicable, divorce from the most beautiful woman in the world. I've been living alone since the beginning of 2015, which hasn't really helped my coping strategies until recently. I have to be honest and say that I made a couple of very serious mistakes during that time. I won't share as I am dreadfully ashamed.

How have I coped? Well, for much of the last 8 years I haven't really. I drank too much which was not good. Thankfully I'm on top of that now. I ate poorly once finding myself alone. Much as I love cooking, it was so much easier to eat ready-made meals and eat junk food. This of course led to weight gain and a poor self-image. I also overspent and therefore found myself in debt; something that I am still battling. I've since discovered that such reckless spending can be attributed to Bipolar disorder. That's not an excuse though. I'll list some of the things that have helped me rebuild my life:

* Focusing 100% on our son. He needs myself and my ex-wife to be on form and enable him to live his life to the fullest. He really is our shining light.

* Healthy eating. A friend in New Zealand recently introduced me to a diet called PH@TT (Putting health at the top). This is a diet for both mind and body, and I have lost over 25 kilograms since November 2017! I have experienced noticable changes in my mood and self-image. I can also see my toes (and everything in between)!

* Audio books.These calm me down and help me let go of the day and fall asleep. I suffer from chronic Peter Pan syndrome and am a huge Harry Potter fan. I listen to Harry Pötter audio books on a regular basis. I love slipping in to the imaginery world. Some people are in to mindfulness or yoga, exercise or religion. I listen to Harry Potter...It works for me.

* Rediscovering music. For much of the last 8 years I was unable to listen to music. I don't know why. Odd. I shouted myself a record player and have started a vinyl collection (within the constraints of my budget). I also use Spotify regularly (the free version incase you're wondering).

* Films and TV series. As I don't get out a lot these days I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime TV. Amazon Prime TV came as a bit of a surprise as I didn't even know about it, but discovered that it came bundled with Prime photos and drive, both of which I use. Now that my concentration is so much better I'm able to immerse myself in a film.

* Reading. This is a work in progress. Just like listening to music, I have been unable to read for much of the last 8 years. Several recommendations from my best mate in New Zealand have helped me out and I now have quite a book list to get through. The bookshelves are full, so Kindle it is.

* Having objectives. These can range from small, daily objectives to long-term ones. Cleaning the bachelor pad is one helluva mission for me, so I take it in small steps and feel bloody good when I've achieved them. Longer term objectives are saving enough money (something which is pretty much impossible at the moment) to get home to New Zealand. I would also really like to get to London for my birthday in October to see the Seattle Seahawks play an NFL game. Both are fairly unachievable at the moment, but dreams are free. Something very exciting is the planned visit of my Sister and Brother and associated partners, to France in August. My son and I will be catching up with them in Nice. Can't wait.

That's pretty much it for the moment. Time to finish this missive. Things are looking up. I still have incredibly difficult moments and ever present grief, but I'm learning to cope. Bit by bit I'm rebuilding my life. Watch this space.