Skint

I was talking to a woman in bed last night...nah! Can't go on. I've been working on that line all day though. 

I was, however, tweeting with Rebecca and one of the topics covered was the benefits of blogging, especially to bipolar sufferers.  Rebecca made some valid points and we both vowed to write a post today. Hers can be found here. Check it out.

Now to my end of the bargain. Along with my classy opening sentence, I've also been trying to think of something to write about. Unfortunately, the thing that kept coming to mind was just how broke we are at the moment. I can't really avoid the subject and talk about anything else, even though talking about money is not the done thing and all that.

My wife and I are both off work at the moment, for entirely different reasons, and we are getting sporadic payments from social security and my work. Hopefully my wife's insurance will come to the party ASAP, but being in France means that things, especially paperwork, are never rushed. She's been off work, after an operation, for about 6 weeks now and still we wait...and accumulate missed payments etc. It's starting to get more than a little bit nerve-wracking; as if I didn't need more stress in my life (work, bipolar, strained relationship, bipolar...).

The Good Life

So, we live on the breadline. To be honest, it's a new experience really. Scary? Yes.  Exciting in a perverted sort of way. How can we save money? What can we live without? How am I going to organise the garden this year to get the most out of it? We're OK, don't get me wrong (touch wood the mortgage payment goes through). We have a cosy house (touch wood the mortgage payment goes through) and everything that we need. We just can't go crazy and buy things on a whim. That is not always easy for me because when I'm hypomanic I tend to have an overwhelming desire for some new gadget and am capable of making silly decisions.

There you have it. I feel as though I've bared my soul having spoken about money. But as Rebecca said, it feels good to have actually written about it. Now I just need to keep at this blogging.

Ciao. 

Ups & Downs.

One of the extremely difficult things about being Bipolar are the mood swings.  Despite the fact that I have made great progress since being off work, I still suffer from these extreme ups and downs.  Yesterday afternoon for example, I was really down.  Not just a case of the blues, but plumbing the depths.  Reliving every moment of our son's death, seeing no solution to our financial woes, missing New Zealand, the fact that I will soon need to find a new job, being depressed simply by the fact that you're depressed, the list goes on.  Sure, you say, everyone has their ups and downs, but believe me, a Bipolar "down" really does suck all the life out of you.  When I'm like that, I'm only one step away from needing to be on suicide watch.  I'd never top myself though, because I could never do that to my son. He has suffered enough in his 10 years on this earth.

These down moments are crippling with no end in sight.  Last night I forced myself to eat, couldn't bring myself to watch TV and went to bed early absolutely emotionally drained. This morning I woke up full of the joys of life; enjoyed my breakfast, wanting to cook up a storm for lunch, laughing and joking with my wife and son and even going so far as to sit myself down in front of my laptop and write this.  Life looks good today and I'm no doubt experiencing some mania.  I love these moments of mania (it's the crashes that suck the life out of you).  The world is my oyster despite being so skint my travelling days are over for the time being.  I feel like sanding down the plastering I did the other day and starting on another section of wall, finishing up and cooking lunch, potting up some house plants, spending time with my son (even if it's just watching Spiderman together), sorting out my paperwork, putting stuff on eBay to sell...

You need to try and harness the mania though otherwise it can get out of control and any crash that follows can be a very hard fall indeed.

Voila.  A small insight in to the way I live these days.  For the moment life is good, full of opportunities, delights and wonders.  Please let it continue.

Not up to the required standard.

Deary me, I am a shocker at this blogging business. It's not for lack of ideas as so much goes on in me wee head, but more a lack of motivation to do anything at the moment. I'm just not interested in anything and it scares me. Why no interest? Who knows. It has to be linked to my bipolar though, although I haven't read about similar cases but I'm sure that they must exist.

I'll try and post more often if only for the therapeutic aspect. Watch this big space.

Kia Kaha

What do you think about this for the lettering for my Kia Kaha (Forever Strong / Be Strong) tattoo?

I'm going 'into town' tomorrow to see if I can happen upon a good moment to get it done.  I might add a small map of New Zealand too.  Decisions, decisions.

Think before you Ink.

I'm currently thinking through my next tattoo.  It's going to be based upon the Maori phrase Kia Kaha which means Be Strong or Forever Strong.  It's going to go on the inside upper left arm where I can see it and read it when I need a boost.  I'll need to have my shirt off of course.  It's not every job where you can get your ink out and have a read.

Here's what my moko is all about:

Kikokiko: This sinew or mesh pattern talks about the embodiment of experience.

Aho: Spiritual umbilical cord as it moves through cycles.  It refers to pathways of physical and metaphysical systems.  This is the main line that starts at the front and follows a path right over my shoulder to my spine.

Koru:  Growth.  Experience. Possibility.  These are the fern fronds.

Kaperua seeds: Learning and potential.

Basically, it's a life pattern.  Learning, experience, emotional growth.  It speaks about my family and about Nikolaz who we lost to Meningitis.  The moko passes over my shoulder symbolising that which is passing into the future.  In other words, my life continuing and being rebuilt after the death of our beloved son.

The signature was done at the same time.  Niko loved to draw, especially pirates, and this is his signatures taken from a picture he drew just days before he died.  He's over my heart as well as in my heart, and will be forever.

The silver fern (black in this case obviously) is the symbol of the All Blacks; the New Zealand rugby team, as well as many other of our sporting teams.  It's recognised as one of our national emblems.  I had this and the Triskell done to signify my two countries; New Zealand and Brittany, France.

Voila. My ink. Watch this space for updates.  Lots to do yet.  I might have to tell my Mum!  :-/

Baker's route

My morning walk up to the boulangerie to get a baguette.

en Weekend

I'm currently working out my plans for the weekend.  Not that it really feels like the weekend as I have been on leave since late November 2013.  I need to keep myself busy now that I am beginning to feel a little bit better; it's important to do so so that I don't slip in to down mode and start thinking about the loss of my son, my job, homesickness, money...   This can happen so easily and tends to creep up on me, so I'm trying to stay awake to the signs and symptoms.

Thankfully the 6 Nations rugby is kicking off tomorrow so I shall be ensconced in front of the TV and driving any other would-be TV watchers to use other screens.  There is also a market tomorrow morning in Josselin  which is well worth a visit, however the weather is absolute shite at the moment which doesn't make for market going pleasure.

On Sunday I've decided to check out a local Brocante in search of some bargains for our still being renovated house.  I'm keen to find some interesting plant pots too and anything else for the garden that I can find.  I used to love gardening (it's in my veins) but haven't planted our vegetable garden, or looked after the flower garden, since my son died.  One of the last Father and Son activities that I did with him was plant some chives.  They are still planted in the same spot and will remain there until my dying day hopefully.  Conclusion = 2014 --> House and Garden.

That's it.  We'll see what else comes up.  What are you up to for the weekend?

(Shake, Skake, Shake) Shake your Booty

Today's post is brought to you by the word shake.

shake  (shāk)v. shook (sho͝ok), shak·en (shā′kən), shak·ing, shakesv.tr.

1. To cause to move to and fro with jerky movements.

2. To cause to quiver, tremble, vibrate, or rock.

3. To cause to lose stability or waver: a crisis that shook my deepest beliefs 4. To remove or dislodge by jerky movements: shook the dust from the cushions.

Why?  Well, as part of my treatment for Bipolar, I have been taking Lithium for about 6 weeks now.  I can certainly feel a change in temperament and long may it continue. I'd even appreciate even more of a boost but perhaps that will take time.  It's not just the medicine which will help me feel better and I need to keep that in mind at all times. Exercise, healthy eating and keeping myself busy all play a part. I also hope to start meditating to help me through the difficult moments and to help me sleep; something that I've only been able to do with sleeping pills since our son died.  I stopped the sleeping pills last week and am finding it hard to drift off at night.  Regardless, things are slowly starting to improve but gently does it.

However, one of the side effects of the Lithium, for me anyway, is the fact that I get the shakes, particularly in my hands. It's so bad that I can't write (impossible to address an envelope the other day), eat soup, type or use a tablet, use the magic remote control on our SMART TV or even shave.  In fact shaving involves me taking my life in to my own hands.  I have grown somewhat attached to my nose and lips and hope to keep them for some time yet.

I've checked out the internet and I am certainly not alone in having these rather violent tremors.  I've been searching for a miracle cure.  OK, cutting down on coffee is fairly obvious, but I do like my café in the morning.  However, I did read about several people, who also suffer form the shakes, taking Vitamin B6 in rather high doses and basically eliminating the problem.  So, today I'm off to the local pharmacie to ask them their opinion (having been told by my psychiatrist that there is nothing much she can do about my shakes).  Hopefully, I'll come home with something.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not really complaining.  I'd much rather experience the positives of Lithium than the negatives.  It just make me so aware of how much we rely upon doing such small, everyday jobs with a steady hand

You've got to start somewhere.

Well, here I am.  I'm going to try and start writing my blog again.  This is only a short 'Kia ora' as my post for the day was the About me/Moi page of this blog.  I can't go overboard now can I?

I'm worn out already.  More to follow, live and en direct, from our little Breton village of Indomitable Gauls.

                               Image from Asterix and Obelix by Goscinny and Uderzo.