FOUR.

Well, I haven't got far with this blog have I? It's not due to a lack of things to write about but mainly a lack of emotional strength to commit myself to writing something, or in fact doing anything other than going to work and trying to survive the times at home.

I've been thinking about writing about why I do so many things by four now. It all started when we were at the hospital at our son's bedside for 36 odd hours while he fought for his life. We, of course, had to wash our hands continuously and I would always take four paper towels to dry my hands. We were a family of four and it was one way that I somehow tried to give strength to my son. Four paper towels equals four living members of my family. I still do it now (not very ecological I know) when I'm at school. Each time I dried my hands at the hospital I would pray for my son and for us to remain together the four of us. I prayed at other times to; in fact I probably didn't stop during the entire time we were at his bedside. My thoughts on religion will have to be saved for another day as I have had so many of my beliefs, semi-beliefs and ideas of what is right and wrong well and truly shattered.

Back to the 4X4. I still sign my emails and texts with four kisses (xxxx); one for each member of our family. I flash my car lights four times every morning and evening when I pass just in front of the cemetery where our son is buried. Sometimes I will flash out a little message to him.

As far as I'm concerned, we will always be a family of four. I don't know where, if anywhere, our son is now but he is still very much a part of our family and always will be. I will think about him until my dying day. FOUR.