Still here.

So much for starting a new blog and keeping it going. Life is difficult and most days require an enormous amount of energy, so I rarely have time for anything else except eating, sleeping and working.

I hope to rectify this. We shall see.

World Meningitis Day 24 April 2012

Please click on the link  'Join Hands Against Meningitis' and sign up to help fight against and raise awareness of this terrible disease.

CoMO Inc. :: World Meningitis Day

I'm trying to spread this link around as much as possible, in memory of our Nikolaz, and for all the other families out there who have been touched by Meningitis in one way or another.

My nightly candle for Nikolaz.

Remembering you my boy.  Je t'aime.

Sisterly love.

A Post-it note left by my darling Sister when she visited after our son's death.  She plastered them all around the house.  She has been really supportive, caring and loving and I only wish that we didn't live on the opposite side of the world from each other.

Sunday.

Sundays are hard for me now.  I'm not sure exactly why but there must be some deep seated reason for it.  I normally turn into a blubbering idiot in the early afternoon and miss my son so much that I need to lie down and have a good wail.  Of course his brother is still here and he means the world to me; more than the world, but that doesn't take away the pain of losing his big Bro in such horrible circumstances.

So today, after waking up at 4am (a horrible habit I have developed despite medication), I told myself that today would not be like other Sundays.  After checking emails, news and blogs in the early hours, I started a bit of 'spring' cleaning.  To be honest I'm not sure that it shows that much, but I'm proud of my efforts.  I was helped along by listening to the cricket (England versus Pakistan) on BBC Radio 4 LW and the knowledge that I had another rugby match to sit down and enjoy this afternoon.

I cleaned the aquarium and was astonished to find that there were actually fish in it.  This took a good hour and a half.  Yep, it was well and truly time that I got around to that particular job.  I cooked lunch; roast chicken has become our standard meal for Sunday lunch.  I mopped the floor.  I hung out the washing in front of the wood-burning stove (note to self: don't forget there's a second load to hang out before my wife gets home from work).  I went to a family afternoon tea for my Sister-in-Law (no mean feat as I have become even more of a loner over the last 18 months) and then it was time to take in a spot of rugby.

All of this may sound rather trivial and normal to any readers, but it helped me get through the day with my head held high and my heart at least semi-intact.  I haven't done any school work but know what I am going to do with each class tomorrow and I have tomorrow morning off so can get my planning done correctly.

Now it's time to spend some quality time with my boy.  He's been a busy lad today too and we've hardly crossed paths.  So, it's time to attempt to get him into the shower and into his PJs, check that he hasn't forgotten the homework he did on Friday afternoon (he's quite excited as he has an English test tomorrow) and crank up The Simpsons  before Maman arrives.

That was my day.  So far I have survived.

FOUR.

Well, I haven't got far with this blog have I? It's not due to a lack of things to write about but mainly a lack of emotional strength to commit myself to writing something, or in fact doing anything other than going to work and trying to survive the times at home.

I've been thinking about writing about why I do so many things by four now. It all started when we were at the hospital at our son's bedside for 36 odd hours while he fought for his life. We, of course, had to wash our hands continuously and I would always take four paper towels to dry my hands. We were a family of four and it was one way that I somehow tried to give strength to my son. Four paper towels equals four living members of my family. I still do it now (not very ecological I know) when I'm at school. Each time I dried my hands at the hospital I would pray for my son and for us to remain together the four of us. I prayed at other times to; in fact I probably didn't stop during the entire time we were at his bedside. My thoughts on religion will have to be saved for another day as I have had so many of my beliefs, semi-beliefs and ideas of what is right and wrong well and truly shattered.

Back to the 4X4. I still sign my emails and texts with four kisses (xxxx); one for each member of our family. I flash my car lights four times every morning and evening when I pass just in front of the cemetery where our son is buried. Sometimes I will flash out a little message to him.

As far as I'm concerned, we will always be a family of four. I don't know where, if anywhere, our son is now but he is still very much a part of our family and always will be. I will think about him until my dying day. FOUR.