Paper trails.

I'm slacking a bit at school. This is not good, but I get absolutely overwhelmed by all of the administration and paper trails that we teachers here have to keep. I filled out forms in triplicate today just to use the men's room. Damn inconvenient one might add,especially when I had to get them signed by three independent members of the staff before aforementioned utilisation. This resulted in my most impressive action of the day. 

He ra ano ki tua. There is another day to come.

Meltdown.

I had a meltdown on Wednesday night. At the time I wanted to top myself. This, as you can image, was a horrible experience. Obviously it is not something that I'd like to repeat. The feeling passed reasonably quickly, but not before I had contatced my Sister and posted on Twitter. I now wish that I had done neither, but in their own ways they probably helped me work through the feelings.

Now, however, I am extremely whakama (embarrased) to go back on Twitter. I told myself that I'd take a break, but managed only 12 hours. The little interactions that I have with people on Twitter help me get through my days; manic, lonely, depressed, overcome with grief, happy as...All manner of moods (thank you Bipolar). I appreciate them more than I can say.

As for my Sis, I should never have contacted her. I have no right to make her deal with my problems when she is so far away. So much for me being the big brother and being strong. Sorry Sis, from the bottom of my heart.

So, why did I have these feelings? Well, I've been dealing with my PTSD a lot recently. I am reliving the time spent at the hospital watching our son slowly slip away. I experience this during the day, often at work too, and then have very vivid dreams during the night. I hate to imagine what ex-soldiers have to go through.

The fact that it was la toussaint yesterday didn't help. I thoroughly dislike this day and yet felt absolutely terrible that I had not done anything at our son't grave. I can't bring myself to visit at the moment, but the guilt is a physical ache. I'm even having a wee cry as I write this.

So, all of these thoughts and feelings came together at the same time making me think and feel that enough was enough. I'm tired of all of the problems that define my life. I'm turning 50 next year and find myself making no progress or climbing out of the financial hole that I'm in. I have experienced so many terrible things over the last 10 years, some self-inflicted, and it's time that I got a break. The fact that I have a teaching job through until 31 August 2019 is a godsend. It gets me out and about, helps with routines, enables me to interact with my colleagues and most importantly with the children. I love it (even if I'm shit at planning and keeping up with my paperwork). I am thankful.

I am also thankful to my little Sis as well as so many of you on Twitter who 'came to my rescue'. I remain whakama, but am working through it. Merci.

Mal de tête

I'm finding it really hard at the moment. The job situation is really getting me down, and the bank is knocking at my door. Brittany has always been a tough region in which to find a job, and I am experiencing that right now. The strings to my bow are worthless here. My teaching experience counts for bugger all now that the state are pumping out English teachers who are passing the joke that is the CAER! Run by French people who profess to be masters of the English language; laughable. You should here them speak. I couldn't bloody well understand them. Bastardised English especially for the French. No wonder they are piss poor!

So, I'm feeling decidedly down and pissed off with the world in general. I need a boost and that will come in the form of my sister and her man being here en France. They will be here tonight and I simply can't wait.

Hopefully I'll be able to carry over the energy that her visit will give me and do some serious job hunting (door knocking) next week. Please wish me luck;  I'll need it.

Hot, damn hot.

Wanted.

Bowling a few maidens over.

I'm indulging my love of cricket today. I've plonked myself down on the sofa with a pot of Yorkshire Tea, and am listening to Test Match Special coverage of the England versus India test match. 

It always strikes me as odd listening to cricket in France, even more so while driving. It really is about getting the best of both worlds.

I've had a couple of phone calls this morning that have hit me for six, so haven't managed any TEFL course work. I'll chill out and wait for the lunch and tea breaks; good times to do some study.

Looking forward to a summer of cricket. Bit of a shame that Blowers has retired though. I miss his dulcet tones.

The Boy Who Lived

As anybody who has read my blog knows, if anybody actually does read my blog, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I simply can't get enough. At my age, this probably doesn't seem right, but I've always had somewhat obsessive sci fi/fantasy likings. 

It all started with STAR WARS way back when it first came out in 1977. I remember that day very clearly. We never had money for STAR WARS toys so I lovingly cut out pictures from Mum's Woman's Weekly. The love of this universe hasn't faded one bit.

Then there was Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, and the Belgariad and Mallorean series by David Eddings. Again, I still love these books (and films) and re-read them regularly.

So now it's Harry Potter; The Boy Who Lived. As I said, I just can't get enough. I re-read the books regularly (admittedly not that much since our son died though), and listen to the audio books read by Stephen Fry. I basically have these playing non stop; on the home cinema, on my tablet, on my phone, in the car...

Now this obsession may seem odd for a bloke of my age, but I can honestly say that this universe has kept me sane (arguably). Even more honestly I can say that the audio books have probably saved me from major depressive episodes, and more to the point, saved my life. I have to say that Stephen Fry's voice calms me down no end and he lulls me to sleep every night. Maybe there's something about the fact that he is Bipolar too that helps. I'm almost afraid to stop playing these books. It'd be a major step.

For the moment I'm happy with this obsession. Harry Potter is part of me. Immature some may say. Frankly, I couldn't care less it. It works for me.

A guts full!

I've had a guts full! I'm fucked off with the world! Enough is enough. I've suffered enough.

I've been tipped over the edge after having a car accident this morning on my first day of work delivering papers. A hole in the ground about a metre and a half deep. Road works going on and barriers left open and no cones or markers. It was 5.15am, dark and pissing down & I drove right in to it. My car was balanced on the edge like you see in the movies.

Anyway, I'll find out in a week whether my car is fixable or not. Meanwhile, I can't work. This is a major stress as I already have no money and will have to pay insurance excess etc.

Now, it's not just my car crash that's pissing me off. I have, or have had, so many things to deal with: The sudden death of our 8 year old son from meningitis, a bipolar and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis, a divorce (allbeit amicable), severe financial woes, no luck finding a job, homesickness and now this. Surely I've had my fair share of shit! Gimme a break world. Just once. I can't cope with any more. Please.

Night Owl.

Hello all. It's the middle of the night, and surprise, surprise, I'm wide awake. This is normal these days. I sleep for a couple of hours then spend a couple of hours awake. I've tried everything short of medication, which I will avoid like the plague. I know that using devices doesn't help one get back to sleep, and I always wait for half an hour or so after waking up before picking one up. Then, it's so easy to pop on to social media or read the news. The fact that the Kiwis and Aussies are enjoying their days doesn't make it any easier to put down the gadget. There's always someone available for a quick chat.

Nonetheless, I love the time that I am awake during the night. It's so calm and open to all manner of adventures. Trying hard to not make noise so that the weird downstairs neighbours have no reason to confront me with their weirdness. I'm not sure if they can hear my desk chair squeaking and rolling over the floor. Better safe than sorry.

Now eating during the night is probably a no no, but I'm invariably bloody hungry! It's so easy to snack, but I try as hard as possible not to eat and to respect my diet plan.

A bonus is that it's an ideal time to phone Mum and Dad and catch them during their day, without interupting them waking up in the morning, or watching the The Chase, the news or Coronation Street in the evenings. Always good for a yarn in the middle of the night.

So, it's now 1am and I've been awake for an hour and a half. It remains to be seen what time I'll be able to snatch a few more hours sleep. I'm trying to lull myself back to sleep by listening to my Harry Potter audio books read by Stephen Fry. There's something about his dulcet tones that calms me right down and buoys the spirits.

I have a couple of middle-of-the-night friendly chores that I can do; cleaning the bath and wiping down the kitchen are two of them. Best that I keep busy so as not to overload my poor brain by over-thinking.

So, night night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite...