Skint

I was talking to a woman in bed last night...nah! Can't go on. I've been working on that line all day though. 

I was, however, tweeting with Rebecca and one of the topics covered was the benefits of blogging, especially to bipolar sufferers.  Rebecca made some valid points and we both vowed to write a post today. Hers can be found here. Check it out.

Now to my end of the bargain. Along with my classy opening sentence, I've also been trying to think of something to write about. Unfortunately, the thing that kept coming to mind was just how broke we are at the moment. I can't really avoid the subject and talk about anything else, even though talking about money is not the done thing and all that.

My wife and I are both off work at the moment, for entirely different reasons, and we are getting sporadic payments from social security and my work. Hopefully my wife's insurance will come to the party ASAP, but being in France means that things, especially paperwork, are never rushed. She's been off work, after an operation, for about 6 weeks now and still we wait...and accumulate missed payments etc. It's starting to get more than a little bit nerve-wracking; as if I didn't need more stress in my life (work, bipolar, strained relationship, bipolar...).

The Good Life

So, we live on the breadline. To be honest, it's a new experience really. Scary? Yes.  Exciting in a perverted sort of way. How can we save money? What can we live without? How am I going to organise the garden this year to get the most out of it? We're OK, don't get me wrong (touch wood the mortgage payment goes through). We have a cosy house (touch wood the mortgage payment goes through) and everything that we need. We just can't go crazy and buy things on a whim. That is not always easy for me because when I'm hypomanic I tend to have an overwhelming desire for some new gadget and am capable of making silly decisions.

There you have it. I feel as though I've bared my soul having spoken about money. But as Rebecca said, it feels good to have actually written about it. Now I just need to keep at this blogging.

Ciao. 

Ups & Downs.

One of the extremely difficult things about being Bipolar are the mood swings.  Despite the fact that I have made great progress since being off work, I still suffer from these extreme ups and downs.  Yesterday afternoon for example, I was really down.  Not just a case of the blues, but plumbing the depths.  Reliving every moment of our son's death, seeing no solution to our financial woes, missing New Zealand, the fact that I will soon need to find a new job, being depressed simply by the fact that you're depressed, the list goes on.  Sure, you say, everyone has their ups and downs, but believe me, a Bipolar "down" really does suck all the life out of you.  When I'm like that, I'm only one step away from needing to be on suicide watch.  I'd never top myself though, because I could never do that to my son. He has suffered enough in his 10 years on this earth.

These down moments are crippling with no end in sight.  Last night I forced myself to eat, couldn't bring myself to watch TV and went to bed early absolutely emotionally drained. This morning I woke up full of the joys of life; enjoyed my breakfast, wanting to cook up a storm for lunch, laughing and joking with my wife and son and even going so far as to sit myself down in front of my laptop and write this.  Life looks good today and I'm no doubt experiencing some mania.  I love these moments of mania (it's the crashes that suck the life out of you).  The world is my oyster despite being so skint my travelling days are over for the time being.  I feel like sanding down the plastering I did the other day and starting on another section of wall, finishing up and cooking lunch, potting up some house plants, spending time with my son (even if it's just watching Spiderman together), sorting out my paperwork, putting stuff on eBay to sell...

You need to try and harness the mania though otherwise it can get out of control and any crash that follows can be a very hard fall indeed.

Voila.  A small insight in to the way I live these days.  For the moment life is good, full of opportunities, delights and wonders.  Please let it continue.