Growing old gracefully.

Having turned 50 last October I have a new perspective on life. Suddenly I find myself staring down the barrel of my own mortality. It's rather a strange feeling to be honest. Funnily enough, growing old is rather exciting. That sounds weird doesn't it?

I've lived through some hellish years over the last decade or so. Any of my Twitter readers who happen upon this post will know exactly where I'm coming from. Anyway, I truly believe that I can now make the most of my remaining years and win back some of those lost years. Whether that involves me moving back to New Zealand, or staying here in Brittany, France remains to be seen.

I have plenty of goals and things that I want to do and achieve, although I have yet to sit down and brainstorm them all and get them down on paper. Unfortunately my current financial woes (see previous post) limit many of the things that I want to do. But there are so many free things that you can do I hear you say. Of course, but even having enough money to put petrol in my car is an issue if, for example, I want to go to La Voie Verte for a spot of bike riding. Never mind, going for walks and rides enable me to discover more about my region. I'm trying to remain positive and search regularly for the light at the end of the tunnel, hoping that it will come in to view soon.

Thankfully I like my own company. I currently have no desire to find another partner. I'm damaged goods, so who would want me anyway? You often hear about elderly people being lonely. Of course I'm not elderly. Far from it, but there is just an inkling of self doubt there. Thankfully I'm able to see my son whenever I want, and get on relatively well with my ex-wife (depends very much upon which way the wind's blowing), so I'm not totally alone. I also get to have a chat with my students and get out and about doing my publicity delivery rounds for a day and a half every week. I've also been trying to find a Dungeons and Dragons group to join. I haven't played since I was a teenager, and very little at that. It's something that I've always wanted to do and thought that it would help me meet some new people whilst doing something that I enjoy. No replies to my ads yet though.

Anyway, this old bugger had better pick up his creaky bones, cook me some eggs (couscous actually), and head off to work before it starts pissing down.

Ciao.

Mise à jour.

It's been a while, and this post risks taking a while to write. You never know.

The old brain seems to be going OK, although there are several issues beyond my control that risk setting me back quite considerably. In fact I experienced just that yesterday; I was really down. I need to find a way to fight it before I backslide to the horrible times of several years ago.

Of course the primary concern is my finances. They are beyond dire and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. In fact there has been a rockfall and the tunnel is completely blocked. I have taken on two part-time jobs which enable me to earn some money while not surpassing the allowed earnings limit set by my invalidity allowance. Unfortunately I have to wait six weeks before getting my first pay packet. That leaves me with absolutely, and I mean absolutely, nothing until the beginning of March. I'm scared shitless to be honest. I have no money for petrol in order to be able to get to work. No pay, no petrol FFS.

I'll never be rich. I'll never live the Kiwi dream and own my own house. I'll have the bare minimum pension unless something changes right now which will enable me to get out of this mess and be able to actually save some money. I'm in a hole, seemingly with no way out. One step forward and more than two steps back. I don't know what to do. Alone. Bitter.

I have received another letter from my social worker asking that I be eligable for the food bank for another 3 months. I am very grateful but it is very embarassing to be honest. Unfortunately most of the food, tinned and packet, are well past their use-by date and good only for the bin. The three tins of green beans I received last time had use-by dates in 2017, the cassoulet 2018, ham 6 months ago and so on. I had to bin the majority of the food.

I still have a lot to offer this world, but all of my efforts and energy are going on trying to survive day-to-day. I need a break. A big break and I need it now. 

I'm not sure that I'll post this. It sounds like I'm having a good winge, but it really is the truth of the matter. Maybe the phone will ring with good news today. I live in hope.