Paper trails.

I'm slacking a bit at school. This is not good, but I get absolutely overwhelmed by all of the administration and paper trails that we teachers here have to keep. I filled out forms in triplicate today just to use the men's room. Damn inconvenient one might add,especially when I had to get them signed by three independent members of the staff before aforementioned utilisation. This resulted in my most impressive action of the day. 

He ra ano ki tua. There is another day to come.

Meltdown.

I had a meltdown on Wednesday night. At the time I wanted to top myself. This, as you can image, was a horrible experience. Obviously it is not something that I'd like to repeat. The feeling passed reasonably quickly, but not before I had contatced my Sister and posted on Twitter. I now wish that I had done neither, but in their own ways they probably helped me work through the feelings.

Now, however, I am extremely whakama (embarrased) to go back on Twitter. I told myself that I'd take a break, but managed only 12 hours. The little interactions that I have with people on Twitter help me get through my days; manic, lonely, depressed, overcome with grief, happy as...All manner of moods (thank you Bipolar). I appreciate them more than I can say.

As for my Sis, I should never have contacted her. I have no right to make her deal with my problems when she is so far away. So much for me being the big brother and being strong. Sorry Sis, from the bottom of my heart.

So, why did I have these feelings? Well, I've been dealing with my PTSD a lot recently. I am reliving the time spent at the hospital watching our son slowly slip away. I experience this during the day, often at work too, and then have very vivid dreams during the night. I hate to imagine what ex-soldiers have to go through.

The fact that it was la toussaint yesterday didn't help. I thoroughly dislike this day and yet felt absolutely terrible that I had not done anything at our son't grave. I can't bring myself to visit at the moment, but the guilt is a physical ache. I'm even having a wee cry as I write this.

So, all of these thoughts and feelings came together at the same time making me think and feel that enough was enough. I'm tired of all of the problems that define my life. I'm turning 50 next year and find myself making no progress or climbing out of the financial hole that I'm in. I have experienced so many terrible things over the last 10 years, some self-inflicted, and it's time that I got a break. The fact that I have a teaching job through until 31 August 2019 is a godsend. It gets me out and about, helps with routines, enables me to interact with my colleagues and most importantly with the children. I love it (even if I'm shit at planning and keeping up with my paperwork). I am thankful.

I am also thankful to my little Sis as well as so many of you on Twitter who 'came to my rescue'. I remain whakama, but am working through it. Merci.